The Pretty One is a bro of mine.
No seriously he quite literally is a frat guy friend from college.
I don’t hook up with my guy friends.
In fact if I classify you as my friend it’s because I FULLY BELIEVE to the extent of my understanding that you DO NOT HAVE a penis.
It’s just a non-entity.
(The peen, not you)
So when The Pretty One messages me on Facebook with, “Guess who’s in LA again!”…I think nothing more than WOOOO!! PARTY TIME!
We knew each other in college…barely.
I MIGHT’ve messed around with his best friend…barely.
I at least went streaking in front of him…entirely.
(In front of the best friend that is)
But that’s it!
He’s still living in Jersey but in LA all the time AND we’ve been outa school for forever.
He hits me up every time he’s out here…
And we always miss each other.
Not tonight though!
I text him:
Heyyyy meet me at Rusty Mullet on Las Palmas and Hollywood
I get off at 10 I’ll walk over as soon as I’m done!!
He says k see ya there!
I wonder if I should dress up…throw on something slutty, ya know?
He IS a dude still and I always aim to visually please the penis-posessing species.
At 10, I check myself in the mirror and think, “Naaaaaaa…!” as I smooth out my one-piece white jump suit and throw on a pair of heels.
Tonight I’m a bro…and bros don’t show their boobs and butts to other bros.
I’m pretty sure that’s written somewhere.
Walking into Rusty Mullet, I take a seat at the nearly empty bar to order myself a Vodka Gimlet…when I remember that I usually only drink for Business, Birthdays, and Breakups…
Fuck…looks like I’m adding “Bros” to the list.
I get my drink when the guy to my right turns slightly to his left and asks me, “So ya come here often?”
I still can’t believe I get this question.
“Where do you live?”
“What do you like to do for fun?”
I snicker, shake my head and get a little smart with my few sips of my drink, “What do I do for fun…let’s be real man…you don’t care.”
“I CARE!” he insists.
I laugh and lighten up a bit…”I hang out at this lovely establishment to talk to fine gentlemen like yourself…THAT’S what I do for fun” hoping to ease some of the tension with some slight sarcasm and a wink.
WHAT?! HE MIGHT MURDER ME!
He must see this as my agreeing to his peen in my vageen because he follows with,
“So ya wanna fuck?”
My mouth drops.
DID THIS DUDE JUST SERIOUSLY SAY THIS TO ME?!
“No. No I do not want to fuck” is all I can muster as I stare him dead in his eyes while shaking my head, sipping my drink harder with haste.
He shrugs, “Ya never know unless ya ask, right?”
I shrug back.
The man has a point.
I whip out my phone to text The Pretty One: Omg save me hurry…
I put my phone away and guy next to me asks, “You texting your boyfriend?”
I snicker again, “No…he’s not my boyfriend..he’s just a friend.”
He snickers back, “Well you’re totally fucking tonight.”
I shoot him a look…who the hell says that?!
“No we’re not! We haven’t seen each other since college…we’re just catching up!” I insist.
“Pfft…right…you’re totally fucking.”
I think to myself, “Of COURSE this is happening to me!” and excuse myself to the bathroom to instead wait by the door for The Pretty One when I see him walking up.
I can’t tell you how excited I get to see Jersey people in LA…
It’s like…seeing the ice cream man when it’s still below 70 degrees out…
Like AAAAAAAHHHH omgaaaah! I can’t believe you’re HEERRE!!! IT’S PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!
He walks in and we both smile wide while screaming, “AAAHHHH!!!!!!” making no apologies for our loud Jersey gestures and jumping up and down in an embraced excitement.
Still as pretty as ever with his short curly hair and long eyelashes and still holding my waist, The Pretty One asks, “OK what’s going on…we staying here or are we bouncing?”
Drink still in hand, I demand we stay til I at least finish.
He one-ups me and demands we stay til we’ve at least had SHOTS.
I breathe deep.
“Two shots of fireball!” he triumphantly screams at the bartender who’s standing right there, now raising his arms in victory as the bartender pours our prizes.
I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone as animated as myself…and I’m into it.
He’s like if Justin Timberlake acted like George Costanza.
I ask about his girlfriend.
He says they broke up back in November.
I cringe a little inside.
Great…so BASICALLY we’re BOTH single and we’re BOTH hilar and we’re BOTH getting drunk?!
I decide to call in reinforcements…JUST IN CASE.
Looking at my phone, I see that Starlight texted me that she was a couple blocks away at a hookah bar, insisting I come meet her and her new Filipino friend…
Because we’ll OBVI like each other.
I don’t know where people get this from…that I’ll automatically like other Filipino people just cuz I am.
That’s like saying, “Oh she has a pussy too you’re gonna LOVE her!”
Pretty sure that’s not how it works.
The Pretty One is telling me about his mother, about how she was watching him pack for his trip to LA from the doorway as he vehemently turned around to scream at her, “WHY ARE YOU SO CREEPY?!” in his thick North Jersey Sopranos accent while flinging his arms around and taking a step back to motion his passion for effect.
I laugh so hard it’s the silent kind.
Ya know, when it hits you so hard all you can do is bite air in a smiley silence?
Putting my hands on his chest and heaving from heavy, gasping laughing, I scream, “STAAAAAAHP STAAAAAHP!”, my Jersey accent being more pronounced around my fellow kind.
I then look up at him and wonder, “Was he ALWAYS this funny? Men don’t make me laugh…I make THEM laugh! Uh oh…time to go.”
“OK we gotta go my friend’s down the street we’re gonna meet up with her,” I finally say when I come to.
“Wait nope, not before we take another shot!” he screams, putting out his palms and shrugging in an “Aww shucks.”
My eyes widen and my mouth drops as I shake my head, “Bro…it’s only been 10 minutes!”
His eyes barely apologize as he motions a 2 to the bartender.
And here we go AGAIN.
Heading out, we take a selfie to send to the best friend…ya know the guy I may or may not have barely messed around with in college?
“Ya know my biggest college regret was that I never fucked him,” I now drunkenly confess.
“Don’t say that! He’s married with a kid on the way now!” he scolds me while walking down Hollywood Blvd.
“WELL I’M NOT SORRY!” I scream back pointing passionately into the air.
It’s in this moment that I realize…huh…we’re soooooo bros…I would NEVER say that to a guy I wanted to fuck.
I delight in this little detail.
Walking into The Secret, we come across Starlight and her 2 friends.
One’s Filipino and the other is the Filipino’s white Australian fiancé.
Starlight, mind you, is a long-curly-haired half-black-half-Asian Australian blonde who smiles and laughs at everything you say and oozes sex and innocence with every clapping laugh she delivers.
That’s just her.
Smoke clouds the conversation as the Pretty One and I sit down beside them.
He strikes up a gregarious back and forth with the gentlemen and 2 ladies as I play hype man to the tales.
Now wouldja look at that…I don’t have to babysit him!
It always warms my heart to be able to bring someone around who can hold his own in a conversation with complete strangers.
I can’t help but stare and side-smile at him when he turns and meets his eyes to mine, side-smiling in the same.
I break eye contact.
FUCK cuz that means I lose!
I feel flush at the thought that I’ve been caught.
He continues to charm the add-ons when we both decide…THE ABBEY!
If you’ve ever been to West Hollywood, then you know that The Abbey is THE homosexual hot spot…for STRAIGHT people.
And if you’ve never been to LA…you HAVE TO GO HERE.
Half-naked go go dancers galore, it’s the number one spot for straight girls to get their gay guy on.
And we are now INSISTING we all go.
Starlight claps and screams, “Awl ryyyyyt awlll ryyyt yeh let’s do et!!!” her Australian accent intensifying her excitement.
The other 2 decline to join.
The Pretty One grabs an Uber as Starlight grabs me to whisper, “Jezzicuh…do you loik him? He’s soo cyoot gull!”
“No no no we’re just friends!” I say aiming to convince us both.
“Gull if you dun wunt him AWL tayk em…he’s gawjuss!” Starlight warns.
“GO AHEAD!” I tell her as the 3 of us now jump into a black Suburban bound for WeHo.
*Bare with me for the rest of this recount because at this point I’m 3 shots in and shifting into a muddled mess of memory*
We get into The Abbey and are met with a sea of half-naked dancers and dancing to Britney’s “Gimme More.”
Now, mind you, I can’t be near half-naked gay go-go dancers without going BANANAS.
I seriously lose my shit.
I get so creepy.
I turn into THAT creepy dude at the club.
Picture him now…cuz YUP yeah HIM is ME in this moment.
I run off to the first shirtless go-go dancer I see in the crowd to place my hands on his arms and my crotch against his, The Pretty One and Starlight laughing their asses off and embracing one another next to me.
I look over and see her cock her head back in laughter as the two of them sway back and forth with one another.
I delight in the fact that I may very well be playing Matchmaker right now.
It’s in this moment that Gay Go Go Dancer takes me by my hips, looks me dead in my eyes, and begins to banana hammock dance back and forth with me…when I realize that…OH SHIT HE’S STRAIGHT!
I’m immediately creeped out and run back to Starlight and The Pretty One screaming, “He’s straight he’s straight eww!” the both of them still embraced and unable to contain their laughter.
The 2 of them unlock as the 3 of us take 3 more shots of Fireball at the bar…”WOOO!”ing and now dancing together in a mini circle surrounded by gregarious guys screaming out to Lady Gaga.
I look over at The Pretty One and realize that DAMN this dude has rhythm…I mean it makes sense he IS Columbian.
Starlight wanders over to a group of long-blonde-haired lesbians, throwing her hands up and grinding with them in a circle, screaming back at us, “Jezzicuh lesbiens lov mey!!!!!”
This is true.
The Pretty One then grabs my right hand in his left and begins to lead me into some sort of salsa.
I scream and giggle clap and move along as I can’t believe I’m dancing with a man who actually knows how to move like this!
We laugh and “AHH!” as he pulls me close to him and places his right arm around my waist, swaying me now in our small space as the crowd and liquor closes in.
I turn around to put my back to him, hoping to avoid any too close for comfort touching.
Cuz it’s kinda AWK when you’re dancing with a boy face to face unless you’re making out!
My back now to him, The Pretty One pulls me in with his left arm to press himself against me…his chest pressed tight against my back…his right hand now moving the hair from my right shoulder…and my head now naturally tilting to the left in agreement, my neck and shoulder bare and exposed.
What the fuck am I doing…?
Our bodies sway in sync to the song as he now tightly wraps his right arm around me squeezing me even tighter to him as he inhales my hair.
His smell knocks the wind out of me myself.
On my neck I can feel his breath and lips as I bite my own, chills traveling across my chest and between my legs as I struggle to catch my breath, now lifting my right arm to wrap my hand around the back of his neck.
I have a thing for necks.
I sway myself harder against him and press my cheek to his, now running my fingernails up through his hair as I secretly hope he’s getting hard…
And this is when I realize…
JESSICA YOU ARE TRYING TO MAKE HIM HARD!
Which means I OBVI have to stop this madness, right?!
I immediately shake the tension and turn around, hopeful that turning to face him will actually diffuse the situation and now wrapping my arms around his neck as he wraps his around my waist.
Cuz how else do you dance face to face?
We’re now forehead to forehead, no longer laughing, no longer screaming, just swaying, moving, melting into each breath and beat.
Ok this is no better Jessica!
I pull away and look for Starlight.
There’s a short-haired blonde lesbian in a striped yellow dress grinding on her knee by the far wall.
I take The Pretty One by the hand, “Time to go!”
He stands in place and yanks me back towards him, pressing me against him again and now smiling.
I realize he’s swaying…not DANCING but swaying
Then I realize I’M swaying.
He grabs both my hands in his and interlaces his fingers into mine.
You’re only supposed to do this when you like someone!
Smiling, I finally meet my eyes to his when I see that he sees what I see:
Holy shit…how drunk ARE we?
We burst into hysterics over our shared secret like 2 kids who just farted in an elevator, The Pretty One now taking my chin in his hand and my forehead to his lips.
I shake my head laughing and wrap my arms around him, pressing my entire body to him and my face to his chest as he now grabs at my hair and kisses the top of my head like a lil baby in his arms.
Starlight comes running over, “THE LESBIENS GOT US SHOTS! COME OVA HEE!”
Looking at each other and rolling our eyes, The Pretty One and I make our way over for our final curtain call.
Starlight demands, “Ey let’s all go to tha strip club ya?!” somehow still standing and ready for more.
The Pretty One then admits, “Ya know I’ve never been to a strip club…”
“Oh we have to take you then!” I insist.
I also wonder if he’s ever had a 3-some.
I go ON to decide that, “Hmm…me and Starlight should fuck him tonight.”
The night and day go dim as I disappear into a liquor induced haze, noting lastly how pretty The Pretty One smiles when he looks at me.
I cease to recall what happens from here.
My clothes are still on.
My makeup is still on.
My HEELS are still on for crying out loud!
I’m in bed.
I look over to my night stand to see a full glass of water and 2 Tylenol with a little note that says, “You’re welcome” in my own handwriting.
Drunk Jessica can be ASOOOO SWEET to me sometimes!
I love her.
I sit up straight in bed and then remember last night.
Grabbing my phone, I see it’s open to the Uber app…
The Uber app and a $250 charge asking me to rate Ruben the Uber driver.
WHAT THE FUCK DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?!?!?!
I run out of my bedroom and see Starlight in my kitchen, turning to me smiling and somehow coherent as she says, “Ey gull!!! GRAAAYT noit ya?!”
“Star…what happened last night?”
“Mehn you goys couldn’t heng! Y’all wanted ta leave so we got in tha uber and went home!”
“Then WHY do I have a $250 charge on my account?! Everywhere in Hollywood is within a mile from each other!”
Blushing, giggling, and now covering her mouth, Starlight responds with, “Oh that…ya got us an Uber Bleck and then we drove around for an hour looking for my beckpeck and food…oh and then you sent The Pretty One beck to his hotel ova on tha West Side” shrugging and now taking a bite of her donut.
I collapse onto my couch and put my head in my hand, opening the Postmates app to get somebody to deliver me coconut water and a prayer.
Starlight continues, “But gull…you lahv him…he lahvs you…you goys weh HAWT lass noit! I sawr it!”
I can’t even recall what she’s talking about when I get a text from The Pretty One: “What the hell happened last night?! I had so much fun with you guys!”
I reply, “Yeah me too!”
I never should’ve danced with him.
I look up at Starlight, shrug, and remind her, “I told you…we’re just friends” as I curl up on all fours into my pink and black blanket and bury my head deep into the couch, wondering what coulda shoulda woulda transpired had we been given a second longer of coherence.
I never should’ve danced with him.
I told you:
I don’t fuck my friends…