Keepin It In The Family

Grandma: *insert thick fobby accent* Jeyyy I hab a nep pyoo dat libs in el ey! (Jay, I have a nephew that lives in LA) I tink yoo should a meeet herrr (Grandma often confuses pronouns…either that or she picks whichever one comes to mind first to use in conversation)
Me: *in filipino accent as well, as it somehow comes out of nowhere when speaking with Grandma* ooo reeeely grun maaaa???
Grandma: aaah yes aah sheee iss a berry suck sess pull! (Ah, yes…she is very successful) Has a lots ob mah nee and has a bery bery big house libbing all by hisssssselp (Has a lots of money and has a very very big house living all by his self).
Me: ooooh dats a niiiice grun maah! I’d laab to meet yor nep yoo (Oh, that’s nice Grandma. I’d love to meet your nephew)
Grandma: *now starting to sound like a sales pitch* Yes ahh yes she is a bery yaaaahng end suck sess pull and a goood looking a so haand sum and smaaart and a good loooking yaaah! (Yes, ahh…yes. She is a very young and successful and a good looking a so handsome and smart and good looking…YEAH!)
Me: *attempting to discern what she is REALLY trying to tell me and breaking accent due to disbelief in what I myself am now ASSUMING she is REALLY saying* Grandma….are you trying to SET ME UP WITH YOUR NEPHEW?!?
Grandma: ah Jey dun wor eee she is a bery good looking i know yoo like daa bery bery good looking wit da lots ob maaah neee! (Ah, Jay, don’t worry. She is very good looking. I know you like the very very good looking with lots of money)
Me: GRANDMA! You know that’s ILLEGAL and fucking GROSS!
Grandma: …but he is so good looking…yooo call me wen a yooo aaar not dry bing da car TOO DANGEROUS to write down da num bear when a yooo are dry bing I gib you a her aaah his num bear end a da ah dress late tear! Bery good looking! (…but he is so good looking. You call me when a you are not driving the car TOO DANGEROUS to write down the number when a you are driving I give you a her uhhh his number and a the address later! Very good looking!)
Me: *FUCKING disgusted…* Grandma, I’m not calling you back for another couple days for the mere fact that I hope you forget all about this conversation we just had and NEVER EVER EVER remember to try to hook me up with my COUSIN ever again.
Grandma: aaahhh oak aay! A bee good! Tok soon yaaah!