After having failed miserably at attempting to bed Jason the last time we saw each other, I’m a little anxious about seeing him tonight. Everybody’s been demanding I hook up with him for the longest time now even though it goes against my own cardinal rule to NEVER FUCK FRIENDS. Besides, if you’re my friend and you’re a guy, it’s because I have absolutely no sexual attraction to you whatsoever; I would more so fuck my mother before fucking you. Somehow, however, I feel an inescapable duty to do it…my friends are depending on me for this. Ugh, I’m torn.
In my bathroom mirror, I discuss this dilemma with Cookies over Vodka tonics while doing our makeup, to which she replies with, “Oh honey…you have to fuck him. I’ll sleep on the couch don’t worry!” Cookies makes a good point. In efforts to encourage her in the matter, I let her know that Jason’s hot friend Josh is coming and that hopefully she’ll get some too. Or at least I think he’s hot. Cookies and I are attracted to completely different men, which is why we’re great together when we go out. My typical type for my twat is tall and muscular with the ability to throw me up into the air, preferably over his shoulder and eventually onto my bed. I’m also a sucker for pretty eyes and straight, white teeth. Cookies likes men tall and lean, the yoga type, which makes sense considering she’s a yoga instructor. She’s not a fan of buff and beefy like I am. I think it’s residual damage of mine from having grown up on the Jersey Shore. Although we have different tastes in men, I know that at the end of the night, anybody in a drunken stupor can appreciate any body on them. Hopefully we can all get lucky in a drunken stupor tonight. Jason now calling, he demands over the phone, “Bitch I’m at your corner but I don’t see you working it!” Hahaha I love Jason! “I’ll be down in a minute mother fucker!” Even though the club is only three blocks away, I HATE walking there. I’ll walk back no problem (I’m usually drunk or cracked out by then and not giving a fuck about walking let alone moving at that point), but sober walks in 7-inch heels are about as pleasant as getting butt-fucked by a hammer…not that I would know though so I can only assume.
Getting into Josh’s car and the four of us in tow on our way over, I only now begin to realize just how unbelievably drunk I already am. Sweet Jesus, I REALLY cannot hold my liquor for the life of me. This is how I remember the rest of my night:
11:00 PM – Cookies, Josh, Jason, and I walk over to Tru on Argyle Ave., the last club Whitney Houston was seen at before she died. We laugh about it. Cookies and I are already drunk. The host at the front of the line tells us that we’re on the wrong line. We tell her the sign for the line is misleading then proceed to tell her to go fuck herself once she’s no longer within hearing distance as we walk to the correct line. We feel tough in doing so.
11:07 PM – Josh points out that the security guard is the guy from Forgetting Sarah Marshall. None of us know what Josh is talking about. None of us care. We walk into the club.
11:25 PM – Dane, fabulous short fat Filipino homosexual, pours me a double shot of Patron. I champ that shit like it’s my job then proceed to vomit in my mouth a little. I consider not drinking for the rest of the night. I tell myself to man up then shrug it off.
11:30 PM – Cocktail waitress comes over with neon light sabers. I rip three out of her hand in a drunken fit of excitement. She gives me a look of discernment. I grab one more out of her hands. Take that cocktail waitress!
12:00 AM – Jason points to the stripper pole and demands I get on it. I tell him it’s on. He flashes a dollar bill at me and tells me it’s all mine if I do. I am intrigued and motivated.
12:27 AM – I can’t find Jason. I text him “AWHWRE ARE YOY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!” Six seconds later I text him again in hopes to spell correctly this time “WHERR ARE YOU?!?!?!?!” I am satisfied with this text. I reward myself with another shot of Patron.
12:30 AM – I climb onto the pole with Cookies. There’s fat bitches on it, they must get down. I push them down. Cookies and I dance and swing around on the pole. Our friends cheer us on. I finally spot Jason in the crowd. How did I never pursue a career in stripping?
12:45 AM – People question me on whether or not I’ve fucked Jason yet. I tell them no. They tell me to do it tonight. I tell them OK.
12:50 AM – I dance with Jason. I feel up his arms and chest.
12:52 AM – I walk away. I need to pee.
12:55 AM – I pee. On the way back I spot more people from the party. They ask me if I’m going to fuck Jason tonight. I am too drunk to speak. I throw up both hands with crossed fingers. They give me a thumbs up.
1:00 AM – I spot a man walking around on stilts. I am at eye level with him in the VIP section as he dances on the main floor. I spank his ass. He giggles and turns around to dance with me. I spank his crotch. He is not pleased. He walks away. I am not pleased. I yell for him to come back. He doesn’t hear me. He doesn’t come back.
1:15 AM – I tell the go-go dancer that she looks amazing on the pole. She giggles and thanks me. I tell her I wanna fuck her. She giggles and thanks me. I wonder if she knows English.
1:20 AM – Jason comes over while I’m sitting down and gives me a lapdance. I spank him hard as he rubs his ass on me. He thrusts his ass at me violently. I beg him to stop. He doesn’t stop. I vomit in my mouth from the brute force with which he is pounding his ass at me. I’m nauseous. I contemplate what that would mean to our friendship if I vomited on him right now. I remind myself that this wouldn’t be the first time. I love Jason. I struggle to hold in the vomit for a little longer.
1:30 AM – I stumble to the bathroom. I vomit.
1:45 AM – I finally leave the bathroom. I still look hot. I spray myself with Victoria’s Secret body spray, Pear Glace. I thank the Lord that clubs provide body sprays in the bathroom.
1:47 AM – I dance with Josh. He’s got a diesel body and I like that it’s pressed up against me. I wonder what my dancing looks like considering I’m drunk. I hold onto the wall to keep myself up.
1:48 AM – I call Jason.
2:00 AM – I decide to leave. I don’t say goodbye to anybody. I don’t tell anybody I’m leaving. I walk out of the club. Josh follows me out.
2:06 AM – I call Cookies. No answer. I call Jason. No answer.
2:07 AM – Jason calls Josh. Josh tells Jason and Cookies to come meet us at my place. I take off my shoes. Josh grabs my hand. We interlace fingers. I think about Cookies. This is what married people do. I’m too drunk to let go.
2:12 AM – I run into my apartment. I vomit in my toilet. I’m proud of myself for making it in the toilet. I hear my dog barking. What a bitch. I feel bad for Josh.
Upon rising this morning, I notice that there’s somebody in my bed. There is a completely equal chance of it being either Jason, Josh, or Cookies. My dress is still on, my makeup is still on, my panties are still on. At this point I could give two shits about having hooked up with Jason. In a hungover haze, I think about what it would’ve been like this morning if I did and I realize that it would’ve been beyond awkward! Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever hooked up with anybody I was friends with (I’m very good about sticking to rules and standards I set for myself) so I don’t know what it would be like to wake up in the morning next to a friend I’ve fucked. The only person I like waking up with is myself. Regardless of what everyone else demands I do, I think I’m DEFINITELY and FINALLY closing the books on this one. Besides, I haven’t gotten a wax in 4 weeks now. The site of my vajay jay jungle would’ve been enough for Jason to finally cut me off as a friend, and I’d be upset about that.
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