This morning I was propositioned by a 45-year-old married couple to be the third person guest-appearance in their casual, routine, threesomes. While I normally would be flattered at such a request and consider it thoroughly without predetermined judgments, I could not help but be frightened and perplexed at the sight of the couple asking. They looked like a very wholesome, normal, festively plump pair that enjoys hikes and ham at the same time, the type you picture raising children on soccer teams and ballet recitals. Then I went on to further attempt to get turned on by this couple, which proved impossible at the idea of being tossed around naked by an overweight, overly excited mom and dad. While I can always appreciate how freaky a couple can be with one another, I can’t exactly appreciate the thought of a six-year-old shrieking in traumatic terror at walking in and catching the sight of me muff-diving mama while daddy humps and pumps me from behind. Uhh…PASS. Besides, I’m entirely too shallow to settle for anything less than a guest-role with Brad and Angelina.