It’s been awhile since I’ve gotten laid and at this point I’m ready to just settle for calling in the reserves: creepy weirdos hitting me up on OK Cupid. Considering we don’t have any set plans, I decide I’ll give in to this creepy weirdo online because he says he’ll be in Hollywood tonight AND he has a hot friend for my friend, Serenity, who I haven’t hung out with in awhile and who is always as down for an interesting time as I am. BOOM. Nothing can make me give in to a man like telling me you’ll be in my area (I’m too lazy to go more than a mile for a booty call) AND you’ve got a hot friend for my friend. Besides, he looks exactly like M&M; I know…shut up.
Getting into Hemmingways, I realize that I really have not been to all the clubs and lounges within a block from my place. Studying all the people around me, I surmise that there isn’t a single guy in there that I would rate less than an 8. Thank God. If it doesn’t work out with Creepy Weirdo, then I can settle for any one of these other mother fuckers. I look over at Serenity and can tell she has the SAME EXACT THOUGHT when she says to me, “What the fuck, Jay? How have we never been here?!” a look of unbearable giddiness emanating from her pores. Serenity is a 5’7, D-tits-with-a-matching-plump-little-booty, skinny ass white girl from Wisconsin, with dirty blonde hair and a super rockin lean body from all the yoga she’s addicted to. Best thing about her is she’s always as horny as I am. We’re the epitome of trouble when we go out together.
As the two of us walk in, we’re greeted by Creepy Weirdo and his friend. FUCK. MY. LIFE. His profile said he was 5’10, he’s 5’5 at best. His pictures looked super hot and buff, he was super wrinkly and squishy. His profile said he was 36, he could’ve passed for 50. He said his friend was hot, his friend looked like a fat, bald, Borat. Serenity gives me a look as if I’d just raped her poodle with a butter knife and grape jelly; she is not pleased. These guys were both a 3 at best, PUT TOGETHER. Realizing that I need to lose this guy FAST, I kindly introduce myself then demand that Serenity and I need a drink NOW! Grabbing her hand, I scurry on over as quickly as I can to the bar, the two of us laughing incessantly at the dilemma I’d just created for us. (Normally when I make booty calls from online dating, I call them over to my place, realize they’re always uglier than in their pictures, and then simply walk away while my security tells them to leave the premises. Come to think of it, I have NEVER ONCE had a successful attempt at booty calling from online dating. This may very well be the final attempt I ever make in doing so.) There’s nowhere else to go, it’s a small lounge, and fucking Serenity is tall as shit in her 4 inch heels so he can’t miss us! Normally, being the 4’11 short brown girl that I am, I am VERY easy to lose in a dark crowded club. Not tonight. God dammit Serenity.
As we game-plan behind a tall pillar next to the bar, hugging it ever so tightly as if clinging to our vaginas in desperate demands to not be fucked by strange ugly creepers tonight, a dark-eyed, 5’11, 27-year-old looking scruffy mix of Chandler and Joey from Friends comes shimmying his way in between Serenity and I, pressing his ass up against me as he moves and eventually meeting my eyes for a micro-moment. “Haha OK man keep it moving” I think to myself as I roll my eyes at him. These moves always make me snicker and giggle, the preemptive strikes of a man letting you know that, “BITCH I got my eye on you and I’m comin back to GETCHA!” I can always appreciate a man with maneuvers as meticulous and ridiculous as my own. It’s been about ten minutes of Serenity and I clinging to the pillar, deducing that we need to just cower behind it all night considering how freakishly tall she is in her heels and the pillar is the only thing big enough to hide us.
After another 10 minutes of declaring that we refuse to leave because of all the OTHER hot men in this place, Mr. Hollywood makes his way back our way, shimmying in between us AGAIN, this time facing me and instead pressing his crotch up against me as he passes. HA! I can’t help but give a cheesy, toothy grin at how predictable and cute this guy is for following through. I look right at him smiling and shaking my head slightly to let him know he’s been caught. This is me giving him the OK. Realizing that he’s been given the thumbs up, Mr. Hollywood stops and introduces himself. Serenity, not hesitating in the least, explains that, “OH MY GOD this is my friend Jayla and she got us into an awful situation with these two guys HEELLLLPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” He decides that he’s game to help us out. Being the proud bitch that I am, I decide that I don’t need his help! He’s gorgeous and nice to wanna help but I GOT THIS. I think…
After only about three minutes of chatting with Mr. Hollywood, Creepy Weirdo finds me behind the pillar and grabs my hand to lead me away. Ugh, maybe I don’t got this. He’s at the lounge with about 10 of his friends, WHO ALL KNOW ABOUT ME, and the last thing I wanna do is embarrass him in front of his friends. Again, I’m not all big on rejecting you in front of your people man, that’s just rude. Instead, I make small talk with him (as desperately difficult as it was considering I had NO INTEREST whatsoever), attempting to hear or care about anything he has to say, when Mr. Hollywood and Serenity come walking past, Mr. Hollywood now grabbing my hand and leading me off. Hehehe. OK fine. This move alone takes away all bitterness and irritation I had with Mr. Hollywood to begin with. At one point with Creepy Weirdo
Creepy Weirdo: Are you on coke?
Me: *not on coke but wishing I was* Umm…NO! Why do you have any?
Creepy Weirdo: Oh you just look and talk like you’re on coke right now. No I don’t have any on me but I do at my house if you want.
Saving me YET AGAIN, Mr. Hollywood leads me back over to Serenity where I discuss this exact conversation with them
Me: Guys he said I look like I’m on coke right now, then I asked him if he had any. What the fuck should I be insulted by that?!
Mr. Hollywood: I have coke if you want some.
Me: *somehow completely taken aback by this response because he looks so wholesome and innocent* What? Really? You have coke?
Mr. Hollywood: *facetiously in a valley girl voice* Umm…duh…I’m a rich, successful white guy in LA. Of COURSE I have coke. *laughing at his own description of himself*
This statement alone is somehow so unbelievably adorable to me. Mr. Hollywood may very well be the coolest mother fucker I have ever met in LA.
After playing this SAME EXACT scenario off between Creepy Weirdo and Mr. Hollywood about three more times throughout the night, Serenity and I know damn well that I wanna fuck Mr. Hollywood tonight; chivalry is a lost art in this town and this is more than enough to make me drop my panties. Done deal.
Creepy Weirdo finally calling off the chase and telling me that he’s leaving, I give him a quick, soft *slap slap* in the face and tell him I’ll see him around, as I walk away and let Mr. Hollywood put his arms around me. Ahh. Victory.
Turns out Mr. Hollywood is from New York and graduated from Yale. Anything east coast and college-educated is always good enough for me. He says that he works for a major motion picture studio (because of the entire story at hand I cannot disclose which studio it is), but I can’t quite understand exactly what his position is or what his job entails. He’s at the club with three older Australians, who he claims are his clients. A little confusing but, really, do I give a shit? He’s buying all our drinks so I could really give two shits. Looking over at Serenity, I see she’s found her own man. Somehow taller than her and blonde, they’re hugged up against one another dancing, her one leg up and around him, holding his face while they violently make out on the dance floor. I love that bitch. Joining them on the dance floor, I swing my one arm behind Mr. Hollywood’s neck as he slings one arm behind my back. Moving together with our bodies carnally crushing one another, he touches his forehead to mine as we laugh and sway. God, he’s sexy. I put my drink down and throw my other arm around him, Mr. Hollywood now doing the same.
Amidst the sight of dancing deviants around us and the sounds of the bass beating collectively against us all, I feel nothing but Mr. Hollywood’s hands running up and down my back and his breath on my neck as we dance cheek to cheek, making note of how undeniably turned on I now am. Somewhere in between the drunk dancing and the uncontrollable laughter, Mr. Hollywood squeezes me tighter in his grasp. Holy shit I cannot get over how hot this is, how hot HE is. In this moment I realize I’ve unintentionally put on my crotchless panties tonight. Don’t get me wrong, I actually just had NO OTHER OPTIONS considering I haven’t done laundry in two weeks. THIS WAS NOT A PLANNED GESTURE. His hands now tight on my back and arms and neck, feeling his way all over me as we dance, Mr. Hollywood FINALLY moves his face in and without hesitation places his lips firmly on mine, kissing me fiercely as we continue to move and sway and hold one another. My senses now completely saturated in the moment, I can taste the Johnny Walker on his lips and tongue, running my hands through his hair as he runs his hands down my back and ass, squeezing me and it tightly as the intensity builds between us. Forgetting about the crowd completely, Mr. Hollywood picks me up and puts me up against the wall, neither of us parting from our insatiable situation of a make-out. Kissing and groping and biting and scratching, our lips pressing and gliding against one another while we simultaneously take turns sucking on each other’s bottom lips and tongues, we break for mini moments to gasp for air, when I demand
Me: *catching my breath while sneaking in kisses between my words* So..*kiss* I live a block from here *kiss* Come back to my place *kiss kiss*
Him: *kiss* I live a mile from here *kiss kiss* You’re coming back to MY place *kiss kiss*
Me: *kiss* NO! I live ONE BLOCK *kiss kiss* from here! *kiss* Let’s just go to my place.
Him: *kiss* No. You wanna come to MY place *kiss* Trust me.
Now I don’t see the point in going a fucking MILE away when I live a BLOCK from the club. Another reason I don’t go home with guys is because I like being in the safe confines of my apartment. I know where all my knives are located, I know where I keep my pepper-spray, and I have security that knows how to take care of mother fuckers. Besides, I have condoms in my nightstand drawer that are nearing their expiration date. I need to use them already AHH!
Continuing to demand we go back to my place, Mr. Hollywood continues to lead me out of the club and out onto the street, me forgetting about Serenity and the fact that she has my keys, my pepper-spray, my money, my ID, and my credit card. Hailing down a cab, Mr. Hollywood opens the door, tosses me inside and shouts his address to the cab driver. Within seconds of the door closing, I begin FREAKING OUT about how, “OH MY GOD SERENITY! WHAT THE FUCK I CANT LEAVE HER! GO BACK! WHAT THE FUCK! SHE HAS ALL MY STUFF! AAAHHH!” Realizing that this was totally a dick move, Mr. Hollywood gets on his phone and makes a call to have a town car pick up Serenity. Umm…hmm…who the fuck IS this guy…? Somehow still in possession of my phone, I call up Serenity and let her know that there will be a Lincoln town car picking her up at the club and I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I KNOW!!!! After demanding that I’m a stupid bitch and she can’t believe I did this, Serenity finally agrees to take the town car and meet us at Mr. Hollywood’s place. Settling things with Serenity and convinced that this is totally a normal thing to do, (ya know just go back to some stranger’s place with no pepper-spray, car, money, ID, WEAPONS) I grab the back of Mr. Hollywood’s neck and pull him back into me, as the two of us continue to shamelessly grope and makeout the entire way back to his place…
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