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The Liar, The Bitch, and The Coke Whore, Part III

Mar 25

Back at my apartment, Sunny, Angel, Mirage, her friend, and I begin getting ready to go to the club.  As we’re getting dressed, I’m getting more and more perturbed at the thought of not being able to top my slutty outfit from earlier this afternoon.  GOD DAMMIT these dresses all cover up way too much!  Sunny, walking out of my bedroom stark naked, asks, “Go like this then!  Does this outfit make me look fat?”  You can always count on Sunny to be the naked comic relief for the night, as she and her super teeny tiny body equipped with gigantic knockers stumbled around my apartment.  I forgot that my girls had been drinking non-stop all day at the pool.  Finally in clothes, she comes out sporting a fucking un-slutty sleeveless turtleneck and a skin-tight white skirt with fluorescent orange and gold seven-inch stilettos.  BITCH!  A TURTLENECK?!  My 85-year-old grandmother wears turtlenecks in the winter!  Tell me, who wants to fuck my 85-year-old grandmother in a turtleneck during the winter in the club?!  Don’t do this to me girl, at least LOOK like you’re gonna put out if you’re not going to!  She sulks away, convinced that her outfit was actually really cute, and goes to change.  Now taking turns using my bathroom and hopping around naked as the girls drunkenly down more vodka cranberries, we all come to the agreement that there was no way in hell I was making it back home with them, if they did in fact come back to my place afterwards. 

Me: OK ladies I’m giving you my extra set of keys in case you don’t wanna fuck anything back at the mansion later.

Girls: Bitch, YOU just better fuck something tonight after puttin in all that work! HAHAHA!! *as they all laugh at and tease me for my failed Santa Sexy time earlier in the day*

Me: FUCK YOU HOES!  It’s in the bag…

Ugh……when it comes to having a sure thing for the night, prepare for the fact that NOTHING in life ever IS in FACT….a SURE thing.

The five of us get to the Las Palmas nightclub and are obviously outnumbered by all the boys.  This to me is the prime definition of Christmas.  While I did initially have my eye (and vaginal expectations) set on Cousin Ron, Matt B. was hugging up on me and holding my hand and giving me little pecs throughout the night, which I must confess can usually sucker me into bed if the guy doing so is a gentlemen to begin with.  Although he looks like a scruffy, thuggy Gumby, with eyes so large they can probably see everything within a 360 degree radius of him, Matt B. definitely was a gentleman and at this point had my vote.  OK…looks like I’ll be puttin out double tonight.  As I reason with myself to just travel from room to room later instead of have them both at one time (I don’t do multiples, that’s just not lady-like), Jon comes up behind me and puts his arms around me (GREAT arms, might I add…and we all know how I feel about those) and we pretty much from there just begin dancing and grinding and feeling each other up.  Initially, I was not very attracted to Jon, probably because Cousin Ron out-shined him and was just the all-encompassing embodiment of physical perfection.  Right now though, with this diesel body now hugged up tightly against me, I know Jon is gonna hafta get it too.  FUCK, OK add this one to the list tonight, as the sexual chemistry is now undeniably emanating with every drop of sweat, touch, and fist pump between us. 

As I try to picture myself mustering up enough energy to travel from one room to the next tonight and wonder if all the coke they’ve been doing is even going to ALLOW me to feign such a conquest, Cousin Ron grabs my hand from across Jon, who refuses to let go of my hips, while Matt B. corners in to hold onto me as well.  Now I’m in some sort of homoerotic rendition of a dirty dancing chitty chitty gang-bang, as all three now un-rythmically begin PELVIC thrusting towards me, fist-pumping wildly as they HUMP, HUMP, HUMP, HUMP YEEEEEEEAAAH!!!!! With the three of them circled around me juggling their junk as close to my ass and vagina as they possibly can, I scream out from in between them, “WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!!??!?!?!!”  Right as I begin to tell myself how ridiculous this all must look, I look into the crowd and see Drama sitting at the table with Scandal, all drunk making out and shit with their sunglasses on, I see Mirage and Friend scurrying off to the bathroom AGAIN, most likely to blow more lines in the stall together, and I catch a glimpse of Sunny standing under a man who is showering her with dollar bills, as Angel drops to her knees to begin picking them up as Sunny stands there too drunk and dumbfounded to react.  SCORE THIS IS MY OUT!  I too with Angel, then immediately DROP to my knees and quite literally CRAWL out from beneath the unintentional metaphoric dancing orgy to collect all the money that this poor sap was pouring out over my friend.  While kneeling on the floor of the club, Angel and I look at each other and begin to smile and giggle at the shared thought between us: BITCHES GOTTA EAT YO!  Looking back behind me I see that Matt B., Jon, and Cousin Ron are still pelvic thrusting in a circle together towards one another; these poor mother fuckers probably didn’t even notice I’d gone.  Instead of heading back into this little circle to be engulfed by the all the thrusting Italian cock, I head over to talk to Drama, as we somehow have not managed to speak to one another the entire time:

Drama: I’m gonna fuck Scandal!

Me: I’m gonna fuck ALL YOUR FRIENDS!

Drama: Yaay!  I love us! But hey listen, Mike looks bored out of his mind over there.  Can you go give him a lapdance?

Me: *looking over at Mike who is sitting by himself, sulking as he sips his Jack and coke, and me somehow offended by this request* Drama!  What?!  No…wtf man I don’t wanna look like a slut! Your friends won’t fuck me if they think I’m slutty! *utterly appalled at the fact that I just spoke those words out loud*

Drama: *able to read my mind as usual* Jay…you’re fucking all my friends tonight.  Just throw in a fucking lapdance while you’re at it PLEASE?!  He looks miserable….

Me: *finally agreeing, as Drama’s logic at this point is flawless* Fine…

Drama: That’s my girl…I love you!

Me: Yeah go fuck yourself Drama I hope you can’t get it up tonight and Scandal laughs at you and your limp coke dick afterwards.

I give Mike a lapdance as Drama flashes me a huge smile and a thumbs up from across the table.  Yeah, thanks no problem buddy.  To my surprise, Mike actually seemed to thoroughly enjoy this as he was now looking much happier and got up to join the rest of his fist-pumping friends on the dance floor.  Ya see?  I can change lives for the better with one slutty maneuver at a moment *double-finger-gun-point!*  The club is now closing and Sunny and Angel are nowhere to be found.  Cousin Ron then picks me up off the floor and carries me out of the club, with Mirage, Friend, and Random Buddy following close behind.  Losing everyone else in the madness, we get outside and Cousin Ron flags down a cab, us being the first of our group to make it out.  Cousin Ron gets into the front seat, with Mirage, Friend, Random Buddy and me piling into the back.  Addressing Friend and Random Buddy, Mirage mentions casually, “You guys should just fuck.  Yeeeaaah you guys should just fuck!”  As if this was some divine demand from above, Friend and Random Buddy turn to one another and begin some sort of carnal makeout session, equipped with the sounds of lips, tongue, and saliva smashing hazardously and slurpily against one another.  MIRAGE!  Proud of herself for what ensued, Mirage begins giggling to herself and chugging them on, “YEEEAAAAH BITCHES!!!” As we pull away, I turn around and see Drama outside the club on his cell phone, when he sees me in the cab and begins waving his arms around wildly and screaming, “NOOOOOOOOOO!!!”  I throw up rocker fingers excitedly back and scream, “OH YEAAAAAAAH!!!!!!” our cab now pulling away and heading back to the mansion.  On the ride home, I wonder how I can possibly pull off this night without having to participate in a gang-bang or three-way.  Should I just hop from room to room?  Will my little 4’11 body be able to handle all this madness?  Am I really gonna even be able to fuck all three considering all of them have been doing coke all day?  Coke dick is worse than whiskey dick in my opinion because coke dick, if it even GETS up, usually can’t sustain, whereas whisky dick can at least manage a semi for the duration.  I ponder all this as our cab heads off….

Tags: Avalon, awkward, bad bitches, bartenders, bedtime, blendr, california, Capitol Records, creeper, dating, dick, drugs, Fifty Shades of Grey, fuck, fucking, Hollywood, Hollywood Blvd., kiss and tell, LA, library alehouse, LOL, Los Angeles, naked, sex, sex and drugs, sex and the city, Single Girl, sluts, stout, Venice Beach Categories: Uncategorized

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