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The Liar, The Bitch, and The Coke Whore, Part II

Mar 24

As excited as 7-year-olds on Christmas morning, we get upstairs into the bedroom and Cousin Ron tosses me on the bed.   WAIT WAIT!  I have to go uhh, freshen up..?  I immediately do a tuck and roll off the bed and dart into the bathroom.  I look in the mirror and, while normally I would adjust my outfit and attempt to show more cleavage, I realize that I’m about as naked as I’ll be in the next five minutes.  At this point, I really am no challenge as I am dressed in such a way that any rapist would be completely unfulfilled and unaroused within the first 30 seconds of looking at me.  Maybe I should’ve worn a trench coat to this party to at least leave something to the imagination?  Fuck it.  I then, instead, start doing stretches and lunges in the bathroom, placing one leg on the wall and hugging it tightly and then the other, standing and touching my toes and then pulling each one of my arms across my chest; I don’t wanna pull anything besides Cousin Ron’s penis in my hands.  Doing the routine armpit sniff-and-check and giving a little kiss in the mirror for how proud I am of what I’m about to do, I yank the door open and sashay out confidently, wondering to myself if my friends are gonna be traumatized when they hear my orgasmic, bloody-murder screams of passion.

Cousin Ron is across the room cutting up more lines and, because I am waaaaaaaaaay too hyped up for my own good and instead of hopping onto the bed on all fours waiting to be spanked and mauled, I skip and hop out over to the balcony to find a wide, ornate, vintage wooden wardrobe, with golden handles and made of almost sparkly primed mahogany wood.  Highly intrigued by such a sight, I YAAANK open the doors to the wardrobe with both arms and am instantly enthralled and amazed by its contents: a plethora of shiny sparkly Christmas ornaments and decorations, a full Santa suit, and several pairs of red and green glistening Christmas stockings.  OH MY GOD IT REALLY IS CHRISTMAS FOR ME!!  I call out to Cousin Ron to HOLY FUCKING SHIT COME OUT HERE and he immediately sprints over to see what I’ve found.  “HOLY SHIIIIIT THIS SHIT IS AWESOME!!!!” he screams as we both fight to grab different remnants of the Santa costume.  We each put on both one red stocking and one green stocking, as I can already picture our Santa Clause role play: 

Him: Oh ho ho ho come here you little hoe!  I heard you’ve been a naughty little girl this year! *SPANK SPANK*

Me: Oh yeah Santa!  I’ve been so bad this year what are you gonna gimme for Christmas????

Him: Oh I’ll show you you naughty little bitch! *SPANK SPANK* I got for you some CHRISTMAS COCK!  MWAHAHAHAHAHA *SPANK SPANK* uhh…I mean…HO HO HO HO HO!!!! *SPANK SPANK*

Yessssssssssss Merry Christmas Jayla! 

Cousin Ron then throws on the bright red cloak and the matching red Santa hat as I hop and clap excitedly in my Santa boots, both of us still wearing our aviator sunglasses.  Weee yaaaaay!!!  This is haaawt!!!  Both of us start fist-pumping with glee to one another when Cousin Ron screams, “FUCK YEAH!” turns around, and goes on to run, bounce, and fist-pump his way out of the bedroom and back downstairs, screaming “AYO FELLAS CHECK THIS SHIT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”  WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUCK!?!?!?!?!?!?! GET BACK HERE YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!  YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO SLUTTY SANTA FUCK ME!!!!!!!  In a fit of drug-induced RAAAAAAGE, I chase after him down the stairs to find everyone at the party dancing around to BOOMING BASS house music with the strobe light going.  Now……..Drama and I did not bring a strobe light to the house; yes, you guessed it correctly: one of the guidos brought it from New York.  Ugh, ya gotta love that.  At this sight, I immediately forget about my vagina’s angry screams and cries from below as I, too, begin to dance and strut, my inner Jersey Shore Whore coming out as I fist-pump and hang on all the other boys and my girls now actively (but still dressed) participating in the festivities.  I figure, we were still going to the club tonight, and I still have plenty of time to fuck.  All is not lost sweet va-jay-jay!  …

Tags: Avalon, awkward, bad bitches, bartenders, bedtime, blendr, california, Capitol Records, creeper, dating, dick, drugs, Fifty Shades of Grey, fuck, fucking, Hollywood, Hollywood Blvd., kiss and tell, LA, library alehouse, LOL, Los Angeles, naked, sex, sex and drugs, sex and the city, Single Girl, sluts, stout, Venice Beach Categories: Uncategorized

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