1. Never dick your girls for dick.
- They’re there for you when things get hard and they’ll be there for you when he goes soft.
2. If it feels like he’s stringing you along, he is…and you’re letting him. So stop.
- In a society where men do the proposing and women do the accepting (or NOT accepting), we ladies are given the upper hand in setting the bar for how we are treated (or NOT treated). If he’s a dickhead douchebag to ya, then you’re probably the dumb ditz that’s allowing it. Nobody can treat you any sort of way without your permission.
- Yeah trust your gut; if you feel that slight inclination that you are not getting the love, respect, and adoration you deserve (because you DO fucking deserve it), then he’s just not that into you. But, ya know what, FUCK THAT, cuz maybe you’re just not that into him either! Again, trust your gut, fuck that guy (metaphorically) and stop fucking that guy.
3. Keep Plan B, pregnancy tests (I personally get the buy 3 for 1 deal at CVS), and condoms on stash…BUT DON’T STORE THEM TOGETHER!
- You’d think this would be a given…however, I’ve learned the hard way how unbelievably inappropriate this looks.
4. “Back pocket boys are a must, as are handy dandy vibrators” – Angel
- While this may contradict the principles highlighted in #2, it never hurts to have a go-to ego boost on hand, or a vibrator in place of your hand.
5. Chemistry can’t be forced but can always be found. So don’t stop until you find it!
- Unless you’re into emotionally RAPING men, I’d, again, trust your gut and dip out now. Why settle for anything less than a mind-blowingly, amazing, cosmic connection? YOU SHOULDN’T.
6. Do NOT attend couples’ game nights!
- This is an evil ploy concocted by all your taken or married girlfriends when you are not around to set you up with one of their boyfriend’s or husband’s friends so that you can now join their supposedly coveted and sacred fraternity of family fun nights. You will then be forced to act like you give a shit about this guy who they sprung out of NOWHERE and will then be HATED if things don’t work out (because, AGAIN, you are the one who does the accepting or not accepting).
- If you do end up going by way of force or threatened rejection, I highly suggest you go stoned, on ecstasy, or coked out of your mind; this will at least up the stakes of the party and quite possibly keep your friends from ever inviting you again, which is what you want. TRUST ME.
7. Always have and know thy wing women
- When going out, make sure you have real wing women. Meaning ladies who will at least look and act like they’re going to put out for the buddies and will further assist you in getting laid if they’re not and if that’s your agenda of course.
- Know what your wing women’s limits are, as this will prevent any awkward, “SORRY I have to leave with my girlfriends now…” goodbyes. I once had a girlfriend who would NO FAIL always fuck the buddies of the guy I was trying to bed, but, rest assured, she eventually started fucking my men as well. KNOW THY WING WOMEN! Needless to say, she is no longer in the hunt with me.
8. Brush the dirt off your shoulders.
- Don’t take bad dates personally and brush em off once they’re done and over with. This can be referenced back to #5 in that, if the chemistry isn’t there, move on.
9. “Never bring a dude home the first night, in case he’s psycho. Always carry a weapon on the first night at his house, in case he’s a psycho. A wine opener or mace will do…” – Mirage
- OK this should give you a clear indication IF ANYTHING about the types of men Mirage has been dating. HAHAHAHAHAHAA! ….*crickets* AAAHAHAHAHAHAA!! My single girlfriends man….I have nothing to say about this tip, except that.
10. “Wear a ring on the right hand when you go out; if you are hit on by an undesirable, switch it to your left ring finger and say you’re engaged” – Cookies
- If he then runs into you again talking up another hotter, sexier guy later on, you can attempt to coax that man into role-playing your husband. If he does, he’s a keeper. If he doesn’t, just tell him you really are married and let that mother fucker be on his way cuz he’s LAAAAAAAAAME!!!
11. Treat yourself the way you want a man to treat you.
- I, personally, suggest taking a full day to JUST ADORE YOURSELF. My favorite thing to do is spend a full day alone, enjoying my own company, cooking a wonderful extravagant meal, and singing passionately into my hairbrush to 80’s Madonna music. If you can’t do this shit for you, how can you expect anyone else to?
These are just a few that I gathered up with my single, slutty friends. However, I would love to hear more suggestions.