I normally wouldn’t be caught dead in a heavy metal goth bar. However, it’s now been twice that I’ve been to Angels and Kings, the super punk rock bar owned by Pete Wentz aka the former Mr. Ashley Simpson. Therefore…I APPARENTLY am a girl who would DEFINITELY be caught ALIVE at a heavy metal goth bar.
It was Friday night and it was the ONE REQUEST I had from Black Beauty Bookworm: “Please please PLEASE let’s go to that bar you took your brother and sister to! It would be so wonderful!!!! I NEED IT JAYLA!!!!!!!” was her demand.
Considering she was going through a GOD AWFUL breakup from a GOD AWFUL ex/ex drug addict boyfriend, I would’ve had anal sex with a miming circus midget if it’d’ve made her happy.
So, to Angels and Kings we went.
I knew damn well what I was in for so I’m not going to pretend I was surprised to see what I did: girls with ripped fishnets and mohawks and men with eyeliner and nail polish; t’was expected.
Throughout the night, Black Beauty Bookworm pointed out several men of which she thought I should “try out,” considering she doesn’t agree with my taste in gorgeous, buff, beautiful men.
She says I need to be cured of my taste in Abercrombie boys.
I tell her there’s no need in curing me from having STANDARDS.
Needless to say, while she pretended to be completely fixated on finding somebody for ME, I was there to find somebody for HER. Black Beauty Bookworm has since deemed herself celibate since being scarred from that hot mess of relationship she was in. I, being the self-proclaimed slutty-behavior-promoting pussy-pusher that I am, decided that there was no fucking way in hell I’d let my friend’s vagina shrivel up and becoming nothing more than a fond memory and second appendix.
There was this one guy whose crew I needed to entertain while she talked him up. He was about 5’7, chubby, Latino, BEAUTIFUL face, and TOTALLY into Black Beauty Bookworm!
He’s the one!!
I’m normally an amazing wing man when out…however, I can’t say I quite knew how to entertain a bunch of Gothic, punk rocking rebels….
Normally, I twirl my hair, touch their chests and tease them about butt fucking their boyfriends later.
I COULD NOT DO THAT HERE!
Black Beauty Bookworm danced with her man while his three friends more so STARED at me and watched as I stared back in complete dumbfounded disbelief at the fact that I felt shy, nervous, and comPLETELY unconfident in the crowd.
Ugh, I was heavily disappointed in my wing man skills as I continued to internally shame myself with, “COME ON JAYLA! THEY HAVE PENISES! YOU SHOULD KNOW HOW TO WORK THIS!!!”
Unfortunately, whatever penis charming skills I DID possess proved fruitless because the boys eventually took off once me and BBB disappeared to re-up our drinks.
BBB: *shrieking in terror and devastation* NOOOOOOOO!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I LOVED HIM!!!! I. LOVED.HIM!!!!! WAAAAA!! I would’ve had his baby, Jayla!!! WHY?!?!??!?!?!
Me: *completely convinced that it’s my fault* Aaaaaah! I’m sorry…… Wait so you’re saying you would’ve fucked that guy tonight?!?!
BBB: *realizing she’d be going back on her vow of celibacy* No, no, no…I would’ve had his baby!!!! Not have had SEX with him….well actually yes…we would’ve made sweet sweet endless love…and it would’ve been MAGICAL DAMMIT!!!! *taking a long, full swig of her Guinness*
There was no redeeming myself on this one; I fucked up. I should’ve just offered to fellate all three of them. That would’ve kept them interested…right?
Feeling pretty shitty about BBB having lost out on some beautiful Latino chorrizo, I decided to take a gander to see if there was anyone that I would take home for the night.
Couldn’t hurt to look.
With BBB stuck at the bar waiting for her drink, I scanned the SUPER dark bar to find the biggest set of biceps tucked into the tightest shirt possible…
And there he was.
Looking behind me, I saw a tall, brown-haired DIESEL mother fucker in a crowd of collective crazies donning piercings all over their faces, leather, and random platformed shoes.
He stood out about as much as I did.
Catching his eye, I made a point to give a slight smile and quickly look down to stare up at him through my eyelashes. Taking a swig of his beer, I watched Diesel Dick blush in return as I turned back around and away from him.
It didn’t take long for him to come and make his way over to me
Diesel Dick: Look at you standing here all by yourself…
Me: *laughing at this awful line* Hey, buddy, you look about as innocent and helpless in this crowd as I do…
Diesel Dick: *laughing in return* Haha…well I’d definitely say you and I stick out at this bar.
Me: *locking my eyes on his and licking my lips* Well we’re definitely the sexiest people in here… *slyly grinning and taking a sip of my drink*
He then proceeded to blush as BBB made her way back to where we were standing. I introduced them and demanded he entertain her as she was having a rough night.
And then I walked away.
This is my test: How you fare with my friends will determine the extent to which I will fuck your brains out.
Very rarely do men at the bar fare well.
Coming back over after having seen the two of them engage in enough of a discussion, I danced with Diesel Dick in a drunken stupor, feeling his hard, strong arms and chest throughout. Within minutes, his tongue was somehow shoved down my throat while he carried me into the air and I wrapped legs around him.
For some reason, this is how men dance with me at the club.
Getting completely carried away in the moment, I then jumped off Diesel Dick, lifted up his shirt, and found myself facing an 18-pack of finely chiseled abs that I could DEFINITELY sharpen my dulled knives at home with.
Unable to contain myself, I then dragged my tongue from his right hip across his belly over to his left hip then BIT INTO HIM as HARD as I could.
As I made my way back up from doing so, Diesel Dick then grabbed my hand and shouted through gritted teeth:
Diesel Dick: *placing my hand on his dick* Holy shit, Baby, I want you to feel how hard you made my cock right now!
Me: *completely offended and snatching my hand away toSLAPhim hard across the face* OH MY GOD! FUCK YOU! HOW DARE YOU! What kind of girl do you think I am you pervert!!!!
Before he could respond, I grabbed up BBB and marched as fast as I could out of the bar. Not necessarily because I WAS offended (don’t get me wrong I know damn well I had that one coming), but more so because I saw it as my opportunity to bail from a situation that I knew I didn’t wanna be in anyway:
It was BBB’s night to get laid…NOT MINE.
Marching out onto Hollywood Boulevard, I explained to BBB that I would not be getting dick tonight if she wasn’t…even if he did have a huge diesel dick on him.
I bought us two hot dogs from the street vendors.
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