I’ve never dated a drummer before, although it has always been a doting fantasy of mine considering how fucking awesome I am at air-drumming; it is quite a sight to behold I promise (really, though, I cannot stress this point enough: I play on EXPERT drums for Rock Band and Guitar Hero…suffice it to say, I am legendary in the musical video gaming world). It had been three days since I last heard about hanging out with the blue-eyed Boston native, even though we did have a set day planned. Amidst finishing up my latest blog post on a rarely rainy Sunday afternoon, I’m lazily typing away at my laptop while basking in my own un-showered stench, continuously switching between a cup of black, unsweetened coffee and a bowl of chopped strawberries, blueberries, and almonds, when I get a text from Drummer wondering if I’m still down to hang out. I then picture myself continuing to type away and stare at this computer all by myself while my deodorant wears even more thin than it has been for the past two days straight (OK THREE!) and realize there’s no way in hell anybody would want this for themselves. Jesus Christ, who suffered, died, and was buried, probably wouldn’t even put himself through that shit. OK then yes, oh sexy Drummer you, I am definitely still down to hang out.
Deciding last minute to shower (thought I’d be polite), I’m now running late and freaking out. To make matters worse, I’m frantically attempting a speedy skip-and-run in the rain after having decided it’d be best to go in my shiny gold 7-inch stilettos because this would keep me higher off the ground, as I do not have rain boots and do not want to trudge around in rain puddles wearing flats. Flawless logic? I sure think so. He’s already been waiting in the Starbucks for a while now, so when I walk past he’ll definitely see me. To remain as mysterious as possible, I sprint past the windows, covering my head entirely with the hood of my jacket and covering my face; there’s no way in hell he’s gonna see what I look like before I see him dammit! Now inside, I duck down and do a quick scan to see if he’s seen me yet; again, I’m all about the element of SURPRISE, but not SURPRISE! accidental anal, more like SURPRISE! you’ve got the golden ticket! Yeah baby…I’M that golden ticket all right. You’re welcome. ANYways, not finding him at first, I quickly dart over to the pillar in the center of the coffee shop and look around from behind there (akin to what child molesters must do when hiding out at parks behind trees…yes, this is precisely what I must look like to onlookers and innocent bystanders alike). Carefully peering around from behind the massive structure, I see him sitting close to the window seduced by something on his iPhone. YES!! GOOD!! He hasn’t spotted me yet! Within seconds, I feel a rush of…hmm….fucking something (!!) surge throughout my whole body, and I’m instantly nervous and excited at the same time. Maybe a grande drip isn’t the best thing to order right now, maybe I should just order a bottled water and proceed to DOUSE myself in it as I’m SUPER HOT right now just from looking at him. Hmm…fuck that: Grande Drip please??? Oh and throw in this antioxidant snack bar while you’re at it so I can look even more like one of those bougie super late bitches that cares way too much about nuts and berries and all that other bullshit. Thanks man.
I casually make my way over to him and, once he sees me, he gets up to give me a big hug and THERE IT IS AGAIN!, that surge of OH WOW!!!!!!!!!! AAAHHHH! There’s only one word to describe it: chemistry. Absolute, instant chemistry between us within seconds. We sit down and my entire body is still beaming with a host of nervousness, excitement, and I-wanna-fuck-you-NOOOW’s, as I remind myself over and over again, “JAYLA PLEASE DONT COME OFF AS SLUTTY!!!!!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CONTAIN YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!” I sit down and MY GOD I am immediately fixated and spellbound by his bright blue eyes…holy shit those eyes. If he could fuck me with just those two blue eyeballs, I imagine it would be just as amazing, thrilling, and entertaining as any other dick doing the deed; it’d give a whole new meaning to the term “eyeball fucking” (Eww…I just pictured it…nevermind). Just when I think I’m about to completely make an ass out of myself from all the physical euphoria under which I’m currently subdued, I notice an almost undetectable thin gleam of sweat forming across the top of his forehead; oh wow OK good!, maybe he feels all this chaotic physical nonsense too.
The regular first-date small talk somehow isn’t as mundane and suicidal ideation-inducing as it usually is: I’m from Jersey, yeah we’re that slutty and trashy, and now I’m in Hollywood, still that slutty and trashy, oh you’re a drummer? I’m an excellent air-drummer, AND you’re college-educated? I’m usually not attracted to those, wait AND you have a job! Yummmmmmm…! (Damn you smell good…I wanna bite you so hard…I wonder if you’re a good kisser…would it be inappropriate to leap over the table to find out? Yes, yes it would…do I have anything in my teeth? I should’ve used Crest White Strips today…maybe I’ll use SEVEN tomorrow!) As we’re talking and joking, Drummer keeps his eyes locked on mine, as if he knows that whoever breaks gaze first gives up control of the situation. I boldly accept this challenge, paradoxically further causing me to lose all of my control in the situation, as I’m now melting and melting and melting away into those baby blues. With every passing second I’m entirely too seduced and sedated with how much I’m enjoying the moment; God he has a beautiful smile, great jaw line, and the way he tightly closes his eyes and puts his head down when laughs…I’m completely disarmed and helpless. FUCK.
As he sits there and listens intently, laughing almost uncontrollably at all my jokes (which I can’t help but feel gushy about), I find myself getting even more drawn into him and wanting to cuddle up next to him, somehow not wanting to fuck him senseless right then and there . What is this? Holy shit, do I actually like this guy? It is at this precise moment that I realize it’s been two hours so far and not once have I checked out anybody else around, which I almost ALWAYS do on all my dates. Nope, in fact, while I normally would eyeball fuck other gorgeous men I spot from afar or sneak away to go talk to that sexy mother fucker who’s been eying me all night, I could not even tell you if there was anybody else in the coffee shop at this point. Holy fuck, what’s going on here?! As I internally reflect on this new territory, I become increasingly sick to my stomach (or gassy) and lightheaded. This is bullshit, we need to stop talking NOW, let’s get out of here.
We decide that I need to learn how to drum and that he’s gonna teach me. Ugh, my definition of real fuckin romantic yo *gang signs*. We get outside and it’s raining pretty badly, puddles and rivers-gone-wild galore. I wanna grab him and squeeze him and hug him and hump him! Uggggh I want him to touch me and grab me and and hug me and hump me too!! How do I get his body on mine without looking as slutty as I wanna be right now? I, then, instead demand that he carry me over the puddles while I hold both our coffees…I COULD GET SWEPT AWAY IN THESE PUDDLES MAN! He delightfully obliges, as he scoops me up in his arms and hops and trudges over and through all the centimeter-deep water basins and such, people snickering, pointing, and appreciating the sheer chivalry somehow present in Los Angeles on this rainy afternoon. Mmm…he smells so gooooooood! At Guitar Center, there’s a plethora of drums in this one room upstairs and HOLY SHIT this is like DISNEYLAND for me! AAAHH WAAAAAA WOWOWWEEEEEE WOWW!!!!!!! After getting two sets of drumsticks (one for him and one for me…the wooden kind not the chicken), he makes his way over to a set and proceeds to rock out in quintessential rocker-drummer form, equipped with the melodic head banging and body rockin. HOLY…FUCK…ME..NOOOOOOW!!!!!!!! I am utterly turned on by this. No words. Except that I instantly now feel the need to straddle him on that drum set and have him pa-rum-pum-pum-POUND the shit out of meeeee!!!! Aahh. I immediately catch and remind myself that, no no no Jay, we’re leaving the whore at the door for now…we like him, remember?! Turning down the skank volume in my head, I sit down and request that he show me how to hold the sticks (DRUM sticks u perverts) and, no no no, don’t TELL me how…here put them in my hands yourself. Yes, this is a deliberately calculated move on my part in efforts to get him to JUST TOUCH ME without me grabbing his crotch and batting my eyelashes. After getting the hang of it, we continue to rock out side by side as other shoppers glance and chuckle at our antics. We rock out and bongo out and I even play “My Heart Will Go On” for him on the piano, stopping midway as this is actually an entirely too intimate gesture on my part. At this point, we’d been hangin out for maybe 4 hours, when I nonchalantly ask if he wants to get dinner. Oooh wait, is that too much? Maybe I shouldn’t have asked, then he’ll know I’m into him! FACK! Before I can explain myself away about how it’s dinner time, I’m hungry, we may as well since we’re still together, *enter obvious backpedal statement heeeere*, he simply agrees and asks, “OK where we goin?” Whew…close one.
At Umami Burger, we only have about an hour til he has to leave to go to a meeting (which we both knew already before we met up). Looking over the menu and catching a glimpse of the drink specials, I come to realize that this is the first date I’ve been on where I haven’t felt the need to drink and get drunk in order to deal with it. Hmm…then I go on to further realize that, Jayla, this is your first date sober…PERIOD. Wow! I’m growing up so fast! Upon realizing so, I begin to tell him precisely this, that,
Me: Hey, you know this is the first time I’ve been on a date where I didn’t feel the need to get drunk in order to deal with it. I’ve never done a first date without having to drink!
As the words escape me, I hear how trashy that must sound, hoping he doesn’t take it that way but instead as an endearing compliment!
Drummer: *laughing and appreciating my brutally honest admonition* Wow, really NEVER?!
Me: *speaking too soon as USUAL IN MY LIIIIIFE, both confidently and affirmingly* NOPE…NEVERRRR.
Drummer: *half-blushing while attempting to cover it up with a bite of his burger* So uhh, this may be a little inappropriate to ask but…
Me: (Oh shit, yeah he thinks I’m trashy and that he now has an in to let out the creepiest shit he can possibly think to request. Ugh what is it man? Lollipop-guild role-play? Bondage with butter and blueberries? Fucking with forks and spoons? BEASTIALITY?! I’m scared….) *chuckling nervously* Yes……..?
Drummer: Well…can I see you again? *now breaking our gaze and looking down onto his empty plate as he grabs a fry and smears it in ketchup* Like after my meeting…*now looking back directly into my eyes and sighing and smiling as he states* I just don’t want this to end.
With the words still lingering in the space between us, his eyes widen slightly, as if almost surprised that he just said that. There it is. He put it out there. Shit’s on the table: HE LIKES ME TOO!!!!! We both posture forward at this synchronized realization and begin giggling amongst ourselves, like little kids who just farted in an elevator and ran out, leaving innocent riders to their doom.
Me: *composing myself from all the blushing and giggling* Yeah…yeah I’d love to see you after…
We leave Umami and part ways. Having waited to get into my car to do so, I dive into the driver seat and begin to frantically AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! out loud as I stomp my feet and flare my arms around in Flashdance fashion, now unable to control my nerves and excitement. Driving back to my apartment in an amorous daze and delirium, I think to myself, “Holy shit…I can’t wait to see him again tonight….”
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