I once asked my sister what her ultimate sexual fantasy was…
To fall in LOVE!…and get MARRIED!…and HAVE A BABY!!!!!!!!!!
While I refer to my lady bits as, “MY PUSSY” and “MY CUNT”…she’ll refer to hers as, “MY NO-NO SPOT!” and “MY SACRED TEMPLE!”
Suffice it to say, she is very endearingly opposite from me in every way possible.
But don’t get me wrong…
My sister is still a world-class wingman.
Regardless of how prude and chaste the girl is, she can command male attention like a porn star squirting bacon from her twat.
I expect her to keep me on point in terms of NOT spreading my legs to Drummer and I very much expect her to rise to the occasion when I find someone ELSE to spread my legs for.
The two of us are holding hands as we near the bar.
“Can you marry him please?!” her eyes beam with her genuine request.
It breaks my heart to hear my sister say this.
It breaks my heart even more to reply with, “Dude he just wants to fuck me…nothing more nothing less.”
To prove to myself that I have no qualms about remaining friends with Drummer, I make a valiant effort in keeping my distance from him the second we enter.
In the bar, he walks up to several people in a group to greet them, refraining from introducing my sister or me to any of them.
Wow, what a fucking douche!
Is he really gonna play that game? He really can’t just say, “Hey these are two Asian bitches I know”?
I’m genuinely hurt.
I now genuinely wanna take a shit in my hands and smear it on Drummer’s face in front of this whole crowd.
Then wash my hands after, duh.
I look over at my sister who can already tell what I’m thinking.
“You wanna get shitfaced off of Long Island Ice Teas?!” she suggests.
This is her way of helping me feel better.
I’m immediately on board.
Both of us double-fisting LIT’s (yeah you know where this is going…) we walk up to the front of the stage and get lasciviously lost in the dubstep erupting from the speakers.
The name of the group is Them Lost Boys.
But if anyone’s lost right now it’s me considering how instantly horny I can get when I mix alcohol with club music.
This is EXACTLY why people from New Jersey are the way they are!
Fuck man this is definitely why Drummer’s got me tied around his finger: I talk a mean fuckin game about how I DESERVE MORE and I WON’T BE YOUR WHORE but when push comes to shove that mother fucker can shove his dick in me whenever he damn pleases.
And he knows this.
This thought sickens and excites me at the same time.
I look around to see where the hell Drummer even went at this point considering I lost him within seconds of entering the bar and haven’t seen him since.
Scanning the darkened room, my eyes finally fall upon his lily white ass standing in the corner.
What’s he doing back there?
Squinting through the crowd, I see he’s inches from some tall, skinny Asian girl.
He whispers into her ear as she blushes and giggles while covering her mouth like the typical Tuesday night tourists on Hollywood Boulevard when they see the Jackie Chan handprints.
That. Mother. Fucker.
Drummer, not Asian chick.
My sister already sees.
She looks hurt.
And from her look I feel incensed and embarrassed.
“You wanna do shots?!” she now offers.
God bless her…this is her way of comforting me.
I once again agree.
Two LIT’s and two shots of Patron later (this is THREE MORE than my limit…) I find myself waking up in a sense from having gotten completely lost in Them Lost Boys.
So lost that I didn’t even realize they hadn’t been on the stage for the past twenty minutes.
I’ve also lost Drummer.
Fuck man THIS IS WHY I PREFER DRUGS OVER DRINKING!
I grab up my sister and head outside, hoping to catch a cab or at least a cigarette to peace out this bitch.
Outside I see Drummer in a huge crowd of people hanging out.
Oh fucking awesome.
Fuck this shit I’m finding someone else tonight.
As if the gods knew to have mercy on my soul in this moment, I look to my left and spot Channing Tatum.
No, not actually Channing Tatum, but mother fucker looked EXACTLY like him.
I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH.
I walk right up to him, place my hand on his rock hard chest, and very eloquently state that “I work in porn, what do you do?”
I’m too drunk to comprehend his reply.
I hold on tightly to his jacked arm with my right hand as I run my left across his chest, making sure to laugh about whatever the fuck it is he’s saying and lick my lips as I hold his gaze.
If anything, I’m doing this as a means to not fall down.
After only 5 minutes with this meaty man, Drummer comes over and points at his shirt.
“What the fuck are you wearing bro? That shit is garbage! And what are you even doing right now with your life since you were last homeless on my couch?!”
Drummer attempts to hide his covertly rude remarks with a laugh and chest bump.
What a fucking dickhead.
He continues to rampantly ridicule poor Channing as I catch the sound of my sister’s voice behind me:
“I don’t see anything wrong with playing the game WHO’S IN MY MOUTH!!!!!!!”
Oh Jesus fucking Christ she’s doing it again!
I turn around immediately to spot my sister in a crowd of five guys completely spellbound and drooling over my sister, genuinely convinced that this sweet little Filipino in a braid and glasses is DEADLY SERIOUS about taking all five of them at once into any orifice of hers they can fit.
My sister sees no problem in joking like this with men.
I forget about the pissing contest going on in front of me and immediately whip around to salvage my sister from getting gang raped.
Me: *grabbing at her wrist* Leelu! What the hell are you talking about! *now gazing at the five guys who are displaying obvious hard-ons on each one of their hopeful faces*
My Sister: *drunkenly giggling* WHAT?! I’m talking about playing ‘Who’s In My Mouth’ tonight! *to the guys* Like who DOESN’T WANNA PLAY THAT GAME RIGHT?!?!?!
Me: *through smiling gritted teeth* OK you little butt-slut…we’re out of here!
My Sister: *ignoring my demand and now turning to Channing Tatum* HEYYY!!!! You look like Channing Tatum OMG!!! Wowee WOW WOW!!!!!! Are you coming home with us to Drummer’s house tonight?!?!?!?!
Me: (Jesus Christ now I’m being double cock-blocked…)
Drummer: *to my sister and loud enough for everybody outside to hear* NO CUZ WE’RE HAVING A THREESOME TONIGHT REMEMBER?!?!!??!
My Sister: *giggling and gleeful* OH YEAH THREESOME!!!! YAY!!! I LOVE THREESOMES!!!!! *throwing her hands in the air and now cheering and chanting* THREESOME THREESOME THREESOME!
Drummer: *yanking my hand in his and now guiding my sister and me away from the bar while screaming behind us* YEAH THAT’S RIGHT! I’M HAVING A THREESOME TONIGHT WITH THESE HOT SISTERS! *my sister’s chants still heard in the background*
Drummer and My Sister: *chanting and skipping* THREESOME THREESOME THREESOME!
Drummer wraps his arm around me and kisses me hard on the side of my head.
I don’t understand why guys always try to have a threesome with me and my sister.
I’m too drunk to refuse such a claim.
The three of us walk back home, now rounding a right onto Wilshire Boulevard, as Drummer and my sister continue to chant THREESOME THREESOME THREESOME with every passing block.
I scowl and cup my vagina.
I look up at Drummer who is STILL fist-pumping with his free arm to their THREESOME chant.
“I am NOT fucking you tonight.”
Drummer scoffs and smiles salaciously.
“Yeah…OK” he replies with a roll of his eyes.
Dammit…this is gonna be a tough one.