Level Up Seduction

Distinguished From The Dogs

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The Liar, The Bitch, and The Coke Whore, The Finale

It’s about 4 o’clock in the morning when we pull up to the house and all pour out of the cab as fast as we can.  Friend and Random Buddy make their way into the jacuzzi, Mirage and I following behind.  Once in, the two of them begin making out as Mirage and I watch in utter disgust.  Oh HELL no I am not having unknown semen seep into my pores in this HOT MESS of a tub!  Speaking of semen in my pores, I wonder if I remembered to moisturize today…hmm… Grabbing Mirage, I hop out of there as quickly as I can and start stripping down to my leopard print thong and bra (which simply means I just take off my tight, black, skanky dress).  Diving into the warm heated pool, I wade around as Mirage lightly tiptoes in behind me.  On the phone trying to figure out where the fuck everyone else is, Cousin Ron comes out from inside the house, as I yell and scream for him to GET THE FUCK IN HERE YOU SEXY MOTHER FUCKER!  Still managing a conversation with whoever it is he’s talking to, Cousin Ron begins to frantically unbutton his shirt and proceed to RIP IT OFF, then undo his belt and proceed to YANK IT OFF, while simultaneously unzipping his pants, kicking off his shoes, and pulling off his socks one by one, as Mirage and I “WOO HOOOO!!!” and “OOOOH YEAH BITCH!!” back at him.   “Yeah I’ma comin baby!!!” he yells back at me, now stripped down to nothing but his boxers and aviators.  “Oh holy shit COME GET ME ALREADY!!!” I think to myself, my heart beating ferociously from the intolerable anticipation of hot nasty pool sex that is now about to ensue, or is that from all the blow in my body from this epic 12-hour day?  This night will forever be dubbed in my mind as The Triple Guido Cock Invasion…they should name a football play after that.  I then create a mental itinerary in my head, as I run through how long it would take to fuck Cousin Ron before Jon and Matt B. get back to the house.  I’m pretty sure I can knock this out real quick by the time they get here…right?  Maybe I should stick to one?  Will he even be able to get it up?  I imagine this is precisely what hookers on Hollywood Boulevard are currently pondering at this hour as well. 

Finally off the mother fucking phone (!), Cousin Ron thrashes wildly into the pool, now slowing down as he attempts to run to me in the water.  I believe that God made water difficult to move in for the simple fact that he knew running and fucking in water would look so much hotter in slow motion; that’s just my theory though of course.  Our eyes now locked in a “I’m gonna fuck you so violently you’ll get Multiple Sclerosis!!!” gaze, cousin Ron grips both his hands onto my ass, lifts me up into the air and pulls my body against his,  me now throwing my legs around him and digging my nails into those overworked back and biceps of his ALMOST INSTANTANEOUSLY AND SYNCHRONOUSLY as Drama storms out of the house screaming and yelling,

Drama: *cocaine-maddening face and rage spewing from his shrieks* JAY! GET YOUR FUCKIN ASS IN HERE NOOOOOOW!!!!!!!!!!  HURRY!!!!!!!!!!!  OUR SECURITY IS ON THE PHONE!!!!!!

Me: *still straddling Cousin Ron and releasing his neck from my teeth to speak* DRAMA!!!  CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT I AM ABOUT TO FUCK THE SHIT OUT OF THIS MAN!?!! *intense irritation in my rhetorical demand*

Drama: *now storming over to where we are in the pool* BITCH GET YOUR FUCKING ASS OUT OF THIS POOL NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!! YOUR FUCKIN FRIENDS ARE STARTIN SHIT WIT SECURITY AT OUR BUILDING!!!! 

Me: *not wanting to waste any time and now addressing Cousin Ron* Oh my FUCKING God hold on…in fact yeah hold onto your dick and uhh…get it hard or something close to it in the meantime I’LL BE RIGHT BACK!

Storming out of the pool in a tirade of sexual frustration, I get into the house and angrily SNATCH the phone from Drama, who then grabs up Scandal and tosses her onto the bed as they start making out in front of me.  Ugh, I’m so JEALOUS OF YOU ASSHOLES RIGHT NOW!

Me: *now on the phone with security* YEAH FUCKING HELLO?!  This better be good I’m about to get laid finally!

The Liar: *not giving a fuck about my need to get fucked* Ayo…you live here?  Deez bitches ya frenz?

*faintly in the background, I can hear Sunny and Angel yelling and giggling, as Angel screams “FUCK YOU MAN!!! FUCK YOU!!!! MY FATHER’S A JUDGE DAMMIT!!!”*

Me: *raising my voice* Yeah man what’s the problem!?  They have my keys let em in! 

The Liar: *cynically laughing and snorting in reply* HA yeah sorry honey I can’t let dem through dey don’t haaaave da key to get into da BUILDING, I don’t give a fuck if dey got ya house keys!

*obviously standing next to the security guard on the phone, I hear Angel scream out, “IT’S NOT LIKE WE’RE TERRORISTS YOU ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” as Sunny cheers her on with a, “YEAAH!  COME OOOON!  I’M COOOLD!!!”*

Me: *now remembering from my sales days that it’s better to be kind than cunty* Listen man, I’m really far away, my girlfriends are sweet normal white girls THAT ONE BITCH IS SKINNY AS HELL WITH BLONDE HAIR, they’re not gonna rob nobody or hurt anyone…I can’t get down there I’M UP IN THE HILLS can you please please PLEASE just let them in….?

*now a mess of screaming in the background, Angel yells out “This is what I think of you, you stupid fucking security guard….!!!!!!”*

The Liar: *ignoring the newly summoned sweetness in my voice* Ope…yeah…hell naw DIS BITCH is throwin pizzas now.  Yeah dat sweet lil white one DAT BITCH IS TOSSIN PIZZAS AT ME!!!  Yup, yup da bitches be throwin pizzas all ova da place dey sure as hell ain’t gettin in now sweethawt you best be comin down from dat mountain and let em in yaself cuz I sure as fuck ain’t doin it…*

Me: *now picturing Angel pathetically throwing pizzas at my security guard while Sunny typically attempts to pick them up and eat them off the ground, as she usually does on our nights out in Hollywood* Oh my God no sir…please…

*CLICK*

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!……………


Now………………………..Rule #1 in my Girl Code Handbook: Never dick a friend for dick, even if, in a case as such, the three dicks you’re about to get outnumber your two twat-blocking friends.  Breathing a deep sigh of defeat, I turn to Drama and sadly state,

Me: Drama…I’m going back to the apartment…there’s no way I’m dickin my friends like that.

Drama: *lifting his face from Scandal’s tits* Jay!  You’re too fucked up to drive I’m not letting you drive down the mountain no fuckin way man…

Me: Drama!  I haven’t been drinking tonight!  I’ve just been gettin yacked out ok?!  DRINKING and driving is against the law, not DRUGGING and driving! (My logic astounds me at times)

Drama: *in a moment of clarity* Ooooh..yeah…you’re right.  OK well please be safe regardless?  I love you! *flashing me a scummy ass grin, knowing he’s about to indulge in an epic poon party while I must return home dickless*

Me: *happy that he’s finally gonna fuck* Yeah…love you Drama…call me in the morning.

I storm off outside, slip back into my dress, grab Mirage’s hand to leave, and blow a kiss goodbye to Cousin Ron, who’s still in the pool waiting dick in hand for me to return. 

Cousin Ron: *realizing I’m leaving the premises* No no no no no where ya goin baby?!

Me: *endearingly glancing back for a moment not too long as to not weep in furry at yet another lost lay* Gotta jet baby…SORRY!!!

Angrily and violently (yet somehow perfectly and gracefully) speeding down the mountain, Mirage tries to soothe me and reassure me with a “Girl it’s aaaall good you can get dick any time anywhere who gives a fuck?”  Utterly annoyed that she is even trying to minimize my frustration, I snap back with, “BUT MIRAGE WHAT ABOUT NOW?!?!?!!?!” as I choke back coke tears.  Ugh, this shit man.

We pull up to my building and I abruptly STOP and PARK my car RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD directly in front of my building, storming out of the driver seat and darting towards the security guard

Me: *in a stumbly bitch fit* HEY YOU!  YEAH YOU!!  Where the fuck are my friends that you INSISTED were not getting into this building, HUH?!?!?!?!!! *screaming and hollering and throwing my arms around like a little coke whore*

The Liar: *menacingly chuckling at the sight of me* Ha…those crazy bitches ran past me when somebody else entered the building…
Me: *embarrassed beyond belief and now walking back to my illegally parked car in the middle of the street* Ugh…ugh fuck my life man…you don’t know what I gave up to be here….

I get back into the garage and remember that Sunny had her car parked in my spot.  Instead, I pull up behind M&M’s car and park in the empty spot behind it.  Traumatized and devastated from a bitter blow to my hopes and dreams for the night, I sluggishly spill out of my car, as my body is finally and all-too suddenly beginning to shut down and give way from all the non-stop partying I’d been doing throughout the day.  Passing M&M’s car to get inside, I contemplate throwing myself on top of it while crying ferociously as I key and kick at it. No…I just don’t have the energy for that.  As I’m walking over to the elevator, Mirage grabs me and says, “Hey..umm..I’m going to Jason’s…”  Aghast at the fact that she won’t hold me as I cry myself to sleep and her picking up on it, she goes on to further say that, “Girrrrrrl I gotta get me some dick tonight!”  IS EVERYBODY HAVING SEX BUT ME TONIGHT?!?!?!?!  I give her an understanding nod and a hug as we part ways and I get into the elevator.

Getting in the elevator, I hit 4 and realize, FUCK I AM SOOOOOOOOO MAD AT ANGEL AND SUNNY!  THAT BITCH!  DID SHE REALLY HAVE TO THROW PIZZA AT MY SECURITY GUARD?!!??!?!! DID THEY REALLY MOTHER FUCKING RUN INSIDE?!?!?! WHAT CRAZY HOES!!! With every passing floor I become more and more infuriated!  Arriving on the fourth floor, I BOLT out of the elevator and begin RUNNING as fast as I can towards my apartment, rage and fury building with each stomp of my stilettos, now screaming, “YOU BITCHES YOU FUCKING TWAT BLOCKS I HATE YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”  Because my body is so physically drained at this point, I get to my door and immediately collapse as I can’t bear to even hold myself up anymore.  My door still unlocked, I open it up and crawl inside my place, dragging myself on the carpet towards my bedroom.  Throwing on the lights, I SCREAM OUT at Sunny and Angel, who are asleep in my bed

Me: YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES YOU FUCKING BITCHES YOU RAN INSIDE HERE?!?!!  DO YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS ABOUT TO DO DO YOU KNOW WHAT I DID TO GET DOWN HERE?!?!?! AND YOU RAN INSIDE PAST SECURITY!?!?!?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!

Angel: *unphased by my screaming and demanding, head still on the pillow with eyes remaining shut* Jay we didn’t run past security…he hung up on you and told us he was just fucking around then let us in….hey did you fuck those guys??? *falling back asleep before I have a chance to even reply*

THAT LIAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Completely baffled and blown away by such a revelation, I tear off my dress and crumble onto my couch, crawling into a ball and weeping as I clutch my knees and chihuahua.  Should I just drive back?!  Do I even have the energy to do that?  Do I even have the energy to TRY to fuck?  Holy shit I can’t POSSIBLY be this upset over not getting laid!!!!!!!!!!  No wonder I never do this shit I am so dramatic right now…!!  Ugh…devastated at how the night’s events had unfolded, I bury myself under my faux fur brown blanket and rock myself to sleep in my leopard thong and bra, however, still wearing my gold stilettos.  This is the exact image that should be featured on the cover of the next issue of Coke Whore magazine…although I believe the actual girl on the cover should actually be getting laid.   
The next morning, in my terry cloth robe, brown crocheted Uggs, and gigantic black sunglasses, I begrudgingly make my way down into the leasing office and file a complaint: The security in this building super cock-blocked me last night.  I refused to be treated with such indignity and I demand justice!  Needless to say, I have never seen that liar of a security guard back at this building since.