I had planned on staying in last night to watch Sex and The City and paint my nails. Miss Mirage hit me up around 7 though demanding that, if I didn’t have plans, we should fucking go out! Hmm…well while Sex and The City coupled with a manicure was the greatest thing I could fathom doing on a Friday night, I agreed: Let’s fuckin rage girl. I call up Drama to demand he join then further hit up Boss Bitch and her friend, knowing they were trying to have a ladies night as well. After having joined OKCupid earlier in the week and with my libido in overdrive, I log on to see if I can lock in some pre-ordered booty for the night, in case my search at the club proves fruitless.
I had about 40, creepy, unread messages requesting a NSA meet-up and I figured I may as well look through all of these to see if there’s a decent mother fucker in the works. As I’m scanning the lists of “Hey baby *insert creepy request here*” and photos of chiseled chests and abs taken with their iphones in the mirror, I get an IM from some guy asking what I was doing for the night. Blue eyes, 6 feet, great body, 28, oh you’re going out in Hollywood tonight? PERFECT. We exchange numbers and my casual encounter is set.
After several demands to Drama that he come out, he finally agreed. While I never ever enjoy going to the clubs with any guys whatsoever, Drama is my asexually hetero life partner who doesn’t count as a cock block; I more so consider him my security. So Mirage, Boss Bitch, friend, Drama, and I head on out and into Eden and pretty much lose each other within the first five minutes. Fucking typical. Instead of spending the night attempting to reconnect with one another, Mirage and I decide to FUCK IT and just rage between the two of us, waving at Boss Bitch, friend, and Drama whenever they passed. While on the dance floor, I look over at one of the VIP tables and spot him: Six feet tall, big arms and big chest, caramel-tan skin, green eyes, and sitting all alone at the table while his other friends danced around him with girls struggling to stand/pull their dresses down/keep from spilling their vodka tonics unknowingly all over themselves but failing miserably in doing so. Mmm, Jesus Christ he was way too sexy for his own good, the type of guy who probably knew he was too good for just about every single girl that came up to him, which was evidenced by the fact that he literally shook his head and turned back to his cell phone every time a girl came over to talk to him. He looks over my way, we do the eye-ball fuck for a good 5 seconds (COUNT NOW cuz it’s actually more than enough time for an eye-ball fuck fest), and I tell Mirage
Me: That guy over there! *pointing in Sexy Ass’s direction* HE’S MINE TONIGHT.
Mirage: *looking over* Damn girl he is FUCKING HOT. I’ll sleep on the couch if you take him home.
Ahh that’s my girl! I make a point to not go talk to this guy, as it was obviously not working for other girls. This was definitely the type of guy who wanted to do his own hunting and did not appreciate the balls it took for girls to come talk to him. Fine. I’ll play that game. So I make a point to saunter around his table with Mirage, dance past him when going back and forth from the bar, and hold hands with Drama every time he was around. At one point, Mirage and I were dancing by the table when, from behind, I feel a set of strong arms make their way around my waist and pull me close. I turn around and there he is, Sexy Ass pressed up against me from behind and his face nuzzling against the side of mine as we swayed back and forth to the beat. WIN. He eventually turns me around and squeezes me tightly against him, as we sway and dance and more so just hold onto one another as tightly as we can, interlocking our fingers with every touch of each other’s hands, at one point my one hand caressing the back of his neck with the other gripping his arm, his one hand running through my hair with the other tightly around my waist, simultaneously cheek to cheek then forehead to forehead over and over again as we sway to the beat of the bass, no words of exchange between us. The longer we hold on the more and more passion builds between us as we’re holding and squeezing and feeling each other up and his face is burying in my neck and my fingers and nails are now digging into his back and arms and I BITE as hard as I can into his arm as he BITES BACK onto my neck and RRAAAAAAWWRRR ITS ON BABY I then lift up his shirt, exposing a set of finely chiseled abs and I BITE the side of his hip and then he squeezes my ass as hard as he can! And *catching my breath as I type this out* I spot Drama off to the side and mouth out “I’M GONNA FUCK HIM” while pointing to Sexy Ass, as Drama mouths back, “YEAH I KNOW!” In this moment I realize how much of a slutty annoying friend I must be so I push Sexy Ass off me to go recoup with Mirage and Drama.
Me: Holy shit guys…I’m totally fucking him tonight.
Drama: Yeah that is a really good looking guy. I can see how a girl would like him.
Me: Umm duh! Check out that body! I cannot wait to mount that thing.
Drama: Uhh….Jay…I don’t know… *pointing back to Sexy Ass*
I look over and see my man dancing wildly around with his friends, not necessarily looking so sexy anymore but looking more like an epileptic orangutang. Oh God…he’s actually doing The Dougie isn’t he…..? Oh shit is that what we looked like when we were dancing????? I go back over, throw my arms around him, and into his ear mention:
Me: Hey I only live a block away from here
*I do not believe I could have made the invitation anymore obvious*
Him: No come back to Long Beach for our after party at my boy’s place! Pleaasse!!! You have to come!
LONG BEACH?! Are you fucking kidding me?! Men, during one night stands, are supposed to leave their friends, get it in, and then take a cab home. Men can do this. Women, on the other hand, usually cannot leave their friends, can’t just go off to some STRANGER’S place, and then further attempt to catch a cab home. No….does he not know one-night-stand etiquette!
Me: *now sitting on his lap as he downs and downs and downs more liquor straight* Umm…I….I live a block away. Let’s go now!
Him: Give me your phone! *as he continues to play with my hair and rub his face into my neck*
Me: *confused and irritated but now handing him my phone* Ok here…why don’t you come back to my place and catch a cab later….
Him: *obviously not hearing what I said as he types his number into my phone…putting both his first and last name* I wanna take you out! Let’s have dinner this week! You’re so gorgeous oh my God you’re so beautiful…I wanna see you this week are you free?! *as he pulls me tighter, both of his arms wrapped around me as he rubs his cheek against mine*
Me: *completely baffled and annoyed at the fact that (1) I have his first and last name in my phone and(2) that he’s talking about taking me to dinner LATER THIS WEEK as opposed to all the awful filthy things he’s going to be doing to me TONIGHT* Yeah.. umm…gimme a call…I’m gonna go.
UGGGGGGGGGH! Mirage and I decide to call it a night from there. BUT WAIT!!! MY PRE-ORDERED BOOTY CALL! YESSS!!! As we walk back to my place I text this guy to come meet me outside of my place cuz it’s on baby (I have plenty of security at my building that paces militantly outside of it so I know this is probably the best place to do it). I’m upstairs cleaning up my apartment with Mirage and I let her know that I’ll text her if I’m bringing him up and she agrees that she’ll be on the couch when I get in if I do. I have such great girlfriends. We check his profile online again and I hurry my way downstairs, pepperspray in hand just in case. I get downstairs and I let the security guards know that, no more than a couple feet over there, I will be meeting some stranger who I will possibly take into my place, please WATCH ME and make sure I’m ok. OK Jay, we got it. I call up this guy and he steps out of his Benz parked right in front. Instead of the 6 foot, 28 year old, broad-shouldered, big-armed beauty I saw online, I see a 5 foot 7, 35-year-old skinny balding guy with jacked up teeth. FUCK MY LIFE TONIGHT! I look over at security and mouth, “NOOOOOOO!!!!!!” as they all burst out into laughter in unison with one another. I walk over to the guy, give him a pat on the shoulder, and let him know it’s getting late and thanks for coming ok bye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, as I RUUUUUUUN for my life back to my security and back into my building. What a douche what a liar what a ugggggggggghH!!!!!!!!!!!!! As I hurry back inside I inform security that, from now on, you guys are screening my booty calls.
The next morning over coffee:
Drama: Did you fuck Don Juan from the club last night?
Me: Nope…he wanted to take me out for dinner….?
Drama: I knew something was up when I saw him doing the Dougie *as Drama begins to laugh uncontrollably over his own admonition* HAHAHAHAHAA!!!!!!!!! AAAAHHH!!!! Oh my God! As soon as I saw that shit…*trailing off as he shakes his head amusingly to himself*
Me: Yeah very funny mother fucker HAHA fuck you Drama.
Drama: See that guy might’ve been really good looking and big and buff and hot or whatever, but me? I’m a fuckin G in the club you’ll never catch me doing the Dougie.
Me: Yeah….I shoulda known….
Today, I went on OKCupid and unchecked the box under “Looking for Casual Sex.” I think I’m gonna go ahead and stick to my “Been There Done That” stash if I really ever do get that desperate for sex. And another rule, no more men doing the Dougie at the club, which I now realize should have been a rule in the first place.