We finally arrive in Vegas after a 6-hour car ride of G.I. Dumb cockily discussing and instructing The Great to, “Oooh! Lemme tell you about Vegas HA! You’re gonna have a hard time havin fun kid! It’s definitely not the place if you’re underage!”
Nothing pisses me off more than dumb ass mother fuckers talking with Big Dick Swag when they can’t even compete with my big toe (metaphorically speaking of course, I just like to compare anything and EVERYTHING to sex and sexual reproductive organs).
And G.I. Dumb was in no place to say something like this to The Great; G.I. Dumb is only 22 years old and has been to Vegas ONCE…and with his 40-year-old girlfriend no less to merely have his diaper changed in a standard Golden Nugget room.
For the first twenty minutes of the ride, I was adamant on telling G.I. to “GO FUCK YOURSELF you don’t know shit about anything DO YOU EVER GET TIRED OF ONE-UPPING PEOPLE OR TALKING ABOUT THINGS YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT?! LIKE BEING COOL OR BEING INSIDE PUSSY?!”
Then I gave up and fell asleep.
Upon waking, the glittery lights of flashing billboards and reflections of twinkling crack pipes assault me into a gleeful panic…as I soon realize I’M HERE I’M HERE I’M IN VEGAS FOR THE PORN AWARDS!!!
We get to the Wynn and realize that they might give us shit for packing four of us into one room. G.I, in his military state of mind, insists I follow his lead, as he and ONLY HE knows the PERFECT PLAN to getting us all successfully into this room.
The last thing I will ever do in my life is follow G.I.’s lead.
G.I. then instructs Lube and The Great to stand behind and get lost while the two of us check in (Boss Man put it under my name and G.I. needs to come cuz he’s putting it on the company card).
Walking up to the hotel clerk, G.I. begins his covert operation:
G.I: *in an obviously fake and overly friendly tone, airing a smell of fresh poo considering how badly G.I. kisses ass* HEY Ramon! We’re just checking in tonight…me and my GIRL over here *winking to Ramon*
Me: *rolling my eyes and refusing to play along* Ramon, I’m not his girl. I would never fucking be. LOOK AT ME. NOW LOOK AT HIM.
G.I.: *shooting me a reprimanding glare while speaking to Ramon* HA! Ramon! She sure does love to bust my balls YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN MAN?! HA…WOMEN right?!
Ramon: *desperate to remain as friendly and courteous and not laugh in G.I.’s face* Well sir I can definitely tell there’s something special there…would you like a smoking or a non-smoking room?
G.I: *still sounding fake as fuck* Oh hmm…definitely non-smoking right honey? I quit a couple years ago… *attempting to sound older and mature*
Me: *still REFUSING to put up with this shit* No DICKHEAD we brought weed REMEMBER?
G.I. & Ramon: *wide-eyed* Smoking it is.
G.I.: *still not understanding that it doesn’t fucking matter if we have a story or not because we’re gonna get the room regardless* Hey Ramon..I’m thinkin this’ll be the weekend when I *lowering his gaze and voice but still loud enough for me to hear* POP THE QUESTION.
Me: NO! My answer’s no. Never. Fucking never. ARE WE DONE HERE YET?!
G.I: *to Ramon* OH WAIT HONEY! We need extra keys…aren’t your girlfriends coming later with the bridesmaids’ dresses?
Me: *sighing and finally giving up* Yeah. The girls…the keys. We need keys.
We finally get the keys to the suite (after a sick upgrade that we actually ended up charging to G.I.’s card) and reconnect with The Great and Lube.
The Great: Did it work!? Are we ok?! Did you get four keys?! Did they see us?!
G.I.: YEAH! I DID IT GUYS! All thanks to me! I had this SICK story you guys and the hotel clerk had NO IDEA! He totally fell for it!
Considering how indicative this is of how the rest of my night will go, I make a point to text four other guys I know are currently in Vegas:
*Text: You + Me = BOOM BOOM TONIGHT*
I never know if I’ll need reserves. And not the one I will be sharing a room with later.
We missed the red carpet already, so the four of us race upstairs to get dressed and drunk within the amount of time we have left.
We are now at T-minus 30 minutes til the AVN Awards…