After pulling an all-nighter to catch a super early flight back to LA this morning, I was pretty much comatose at the airport gate while waiting to board my flight. I’m pretty sure I was sprawled out, legs wide open, and drooling on myself when I very quickly opened my eyes and did a quick scan of the other people with which I’d be sharing my flight. Somehow always open to (or lucky enough for) whatever next romantic/unromantic adventure may come my way, I quickly spotted a tall, blonde, curly-haired, 30-year-old looking guy in a light blue polo and khakis playing intently on his iPad. BOOM. Maybe. Why not…? Fuck this I look like shit I’m going back to sleep.
About a half-hour later, we boarded the plane, I found my seat closest to the window, and dozed off within seconds after. When I awoke (with only a few minutes left on the flight and because of how LOUD and obnoxiously I was snoring), I realized that the blonde-haired beauty was sitting RIGHT NEXT TO ME on the plane. Ahh shit… Wiping my mouth from all the drool that had dripped down past my chin and onto my shoulder, I took a quick whiff of my armpits and concluded that there was no way in hell I should try to talk to this guy; I smelled like I just carried 8 pregnant donkeys across the border while smothered in onions. Besides, he had a ring on his left ring-finger. PASS.
As I cowered away from the polo-wearing pretty boy and pretended to give a fuck about the scenery outside the window, he placed his hand on my knee and said in the THICKEST Portuguese accent I have probably ever heard, “Ooooh miss eees it oak ey ifffffff I look tooo?” now flashing a wide toothy grin, locking his eyes intently on mine as I met them. Now completely mesmerized, seeing as how he had turquoise (FUCKING TURQUOISE!!!!!!!!!!!!) blue eyes, I think to myself, “Fuck that ring man!”
The plane is now landing as we’ve been talking this entire time, about God knows what I could really care less. The entire time, however, he’s got his hand on my thigh, he’s leaning close and whispering into my ear in that SEXY fuckin accent of his (turns out he’s from Brazil), and “Ooooh what’s that? You have a 5 hour lay-over?” Perfect more than enough time for you to lay me over. We land and he very slyly requests,
Him: Would ju lyyke to wayt unteeel everreeebody eeees offf dee plaaaayne??
Me: Haaaa…why yessssss I would… *as I am now beaming at the thought of telling all my friends I’ve kinda sorta joined the MILE HIGH club…fine we’re not a “mile high” but the plane is parked about a mile from where Jester will be picking me up from the terminal…..so yeah I’m gonna be a part of THAT club now FUCKING SWEET!*
We wait for everyone to get off the plane only to eventually get kicked off by one of the stewardesses. FUCK YOU stewardess you guys were hot in the 60’s but now you’re just a bunch of filthy cunty cock blocks if ya ask me! …but thank you for always being so kind as to show me how to survive if the plane crashes…appreciated.
Now realizing that I have Jester coming to pick me up, I send him a text to let him know of my current endeavor:
With Jester’s approval, I let my Brazilian Beauty take my hand in his and lead me off the plane, as he goes on to discuss his travels thus far to here, there, and everywhere, and bla bla bla I can’t understand half the shit he’s saying anyway, as I picture myself muzzling him with my crotch soon enough. We get into the airport and I do a really quick dash to the bathroom, as I can no longer stand the stench coming from my underarms. I run in and am immediately aghast at the horror of a hot mess I see staring back at me in the mirror. “Holy shit he wants to fuck THAT?!” I think to myself, as I stare into the mirror and clean off all my eye boogers. I’m about to get into super judgmental mode when I remind myself, “Hey he’s from Brazil..I’ve seen the bitches in ‘City of God!’ You got this Jayla!” I race back outside to meet my man, who lights up when he sees me, grabs my hand, kisses the side of my head, and goes on to keep talking about all the places he now wants to travel to. God he talks a lot…I hope he can talk this much DIRTY to me soon. As we pace around the terminal for a place to go, Jester calls:
Him: JAYLA GET YOU AND YOUR HOO HOO OUT HERE RIGHT NOW I’VE BEEN CIRCLING THIS AIRPORT FOREVER NOW! THE COPS KEEP TELLING ME TO MOVE! GET UR BRAZILIAN DICK AND LETS GO!
Me: Oh hey! You’re stuck in traffic? About another hour or so JEEZ! Ok I’ll be here waiting!
Him: NO GOD DAMN YOU GET THE FUCK OUT HERE!
Me: Ok yeah no take your time I totally understand LOVE YOU! *kisses*
Heheheheheheheehehehe! …so what were you saying??? My Brazilian Beauty then takes both my hands in his to face me towards him and explains:
Him: Ooooh me gaaawd juu know were I would lyyyke to travel to soooo bed?
Me: *irritated that he is not currently traveling into the nether regions of my vagina* Mmm where baby?
Him: To China! My partner hass been der alreddy and I want to go sooo bed!
Me: (Oh fuck now he’s gonna bring up his WIFE?! Come on man I got a ride to catch lemme ride you and get this over with already!) Oh my God that’s great so where do you wanna go RIGHT NOW?
Him: *completely ignoring my question* Ooooh yes he told me det China is so byoooteeful end oh meee gawd I need to go!
Me: *knowing I definitely heard a HE instead of a SHE* Como fucking what…? Wait… HE? ….your partner….like your BUSINESS partner? *mentally crossing my fingers*
Him: Ooooh heheehe noooo my luverr my coompanyun. I am a merried seee??? *pointing to his ring finger*
Me: Yeah yeah trust me I saw that thing… but you’re married…to a MAN (DUH Jayla you’re totally pro gay marriage why are you so surprised that this is possible!?)
Him: Yes yes! Oh he woood laaaav yooo tooo! Yoooo must meet!
At this request, I give him an endearing smile of defeat, take his hands back in mine, give him a slight kiss on the lips, and tell him I must be on my way. He wraps his arms around me and tells me I’m the most wonderful woman he’s met on his travels. Yeah that’s fuckin great buddy you’re just about the biggest fucking twat tease I’ve ever met in my LIFE.
I should’ve known that, with how shitty I looked and smelled, that there was no way in hell any STRAIGHT guy would be THAT down to fuck me; gorgeous or not, nobody in there right mind would be able to fuck through that image and odor.
I get in the car and explain to Jester that, NO, I did not get to have a trashy airport fuck-a-thon with my Brazilian Beauty because he was in fact GAY and only interested in playing with my hair and taking me to China with his gay husband to leave me weeping in the corner as I watched them butt-fuck and blow each other, using my tears as lubrication. Jester, unable to control his laughter as he drove, then further explained that, “DUH JAY! Don’t you know that all Portuguese men in polo shirts and khakis are gay?!” No mother fucker…….I didn’t. I guess that’s what I get for being so willing to fuck a married man. Never again.