I was at Murmur last night in Atlantic City.
I was at A NIGHTCLUB last night in New Jersey…
WITH MY FAMILY.
I dunno about you but I’m VERY close with my family…and considering I live across the country and never see them…
WE GO HARD WHEN WE HANG.
(Yes my cousin is holding a Selfie Stick…yes one of our aunt’s gave it to us for Christmas…and YES we will unleash our inner Asian tourists and go HAAAAMMMM with the Selfie Stick… #donteven)
We hug, we hold hands, we take selfies, we screech loudly…
And if you try to talk to us…
YOU WILL FAIL.
Not because we hate you…not because we don’t think you have game…not because you’re not “good enough.”
Just….because.
Case in point:
I’m with my brother Mark (who you hear about often), ma lil lil sister Lauren (my bestie for life WHAT WHAAAT), my cousin/best and only girlfriend growing up Maricris, her brother Robert who is my baaaabbbbbbbyyyy boy, and Maria his girlfriend of freakin 6 years that I used to drive around when they were both in college with me at Rutgers.
We’re tight…and there’s no penetrating our circle (or us for that matter) when we’re together.
So we walk into this club and aside from the festively ROTUND group of jean-wearing jezebels celebrating a bridal shower…
There’s US…
And about 894278 dudes eye-ing US and each OTHER.
Needless to say, we spend the entire night on the dance floor…
Doing the robot…
Screaming, “OOOOOH!!!!!” when “This Is How We Do It” comes on…
Raising the roof and screaming High-Pitched Asian Asses off when Britney comes on…
And dancing in a circle while each taking our individual turns to dance in the center.
And if there was anything we WEREN’T doing…
It was NOT talking to guys who tried!
Don’t get me wrong though I totally woulda talked to that guy behind me!
(He’s sexy, right?)
Or even THAT guy behind HIM (Haaaaaaaayyyy)
The only problem is…we’re here for US…not YOU…not your friends…not any other guy…
We REALLY just wanna be with each other.
And if I was with the 7 Bitches…it would’ve been a different story.
Just not last night…in front of my family…and my BROTHER for that matter.
I talk to plenty of guys who get really upset when it comes to not being able to “pickup” girls in a club or I hear a LOT of gurus and dating coaches saying stuff like, “IT SHOULDN’T MATTER! Your game should be THAT GOOD that you just get WHOEVER WHENEVER NO MATTER WHAAAAT?!”
(Pretty sure rapists have the same mantra)
My point being…it wasn’t you, Bro…it was US.
And as I’m on the dance floor with my family…looking over at my brother rapping out the words to Salt n Peppa’s “Push It” while ALL OF US sing along and pelvic thrust…
I realize I just don’t SEE men right now…my vagina just DOES NOT EXIST right now (Sorry, Mama!)
And the next time you come across a girl who looks eerily similar to every single person in her group…
Think of ME…and my brother and my sister and Robert and Maria and Maricris and ask yourself…
Do you really wanna be THAT guy?
Not saying you shouldn’t try…please don’t take that from what I’m saying.
I’m saying chances are it’s not YOU.
HOWEVER…
If you would’ve come up to me while I was getting a drink at the bar (or OFF the dance floor for that matter), told me, “I’m finding you later” and made a point to say something short and full of “AAHHHH PUUUUSH IT!!” every time you opened your mouth to me thereafter (which should be often)…
You bet your ass I’d reconsider my vagina existing juuuuuuust for you 😉
(Doh! I wasn’t supposed to talk about my vagina anymore…dammiiiiiiiit…you get the point)
Any hoot, here’s exactly what you would’ve been up against:
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