It all started when I began speaking to Wiley again, the former drug-addict/former flame I dated back in July and eventually ended things with in September after realizing I could no longer put up with the fact that his penis was terribly too small and crooked for my tastes. After spending months not speaking but also after randomly sending texts here and there to let the other know we still cared, Wiley and I had (from what I thought) developed a pseudo-friendship if you will, equipped with daily texts and the occasional flirtation. Here I was thinking, “Well the sex factor is already out of the way, so of course we can be friends now!!!” ….right? Ugh…fucking DEAD wrong. It had been two months since he last used and, having always supported him in his getting clean and him knowing that I did, Wiley and I were able to somehow manage to be in each other’s lives again. One day while on the phone,
Wiley: So I have a new neighbor that moved in…she’s got all her her cute friends over there right now…
Me: Ooooooh is your new neighbor cute?
Wiley: She’s….attractive, yes.
Me: Uh-oh Wiley you better watch out. I fucked my neighbor and shit just got REAL complicated after that!
Wiley: ….excuse me? You what?
Me: *nervous laughter* I uhh…fucked one of my neighbors? And shit got real weird man lemme tell ya so watch out…
Wiley: Wow..umm…when was this?
Me: Umm…back in December.
Wiley: Like your neighbor in your apartment building?
Wiley: Ok yeah I gotta go I gotta get going Jay
Me: OK yeah I…
Needless to say, Wiley, upon hearing that I had been fucking my neighbor since we’d split, had then proceeded to leave me voicemails and texts explaining in thorough detail how he did not understand how I could possibly aim to hurt him in such a way as to tell him about me fucking ANYBODY other than him, which, mind you, I had not done since September. “Jay, I don’t understand you! I don’t get you! What the fuuuuuuuuuck?!” were pretty much the repeated phrases highlighted throughout. While you may be wondering what my reaction had been through all this, I will tell you that I tried calling Wiley back in order to fully explain myself, however, he refused to answer my phone calls directly and would, instead, reply via text. After calling him out on being such a PUSSY in the matter, he finally agreed to meet me at Stout (the place where I bring aaaaaaaaaall my first dates) in order to talk things through. Really man? You wanna go to a PUBLIC…BAR to get re-broken up with? Suit yourself, mother fucker.
Wiley was a half-hour late to the bar and, by the time he had shown up, I was already one glass of wine down. Translation: I was already drunk. He walked in, tapped me on the shoulder, and as if in one fluid sentence, said, “Hey what’s up sorry I’m late let’s get a table how bout over there cool I’m going to the bathroom real quick order me two beers.” Yessssss sir. So…I sit down, order him his two beers and myself another glass of wine, he sits down, and proceeds to tear me a new one like so:
Wiley: Ya know Jay I don’t fucking get you…here we are getting back together (WHAT WHAT WHAT NO WHERE THE HELL DID HE GET THAT IDEA?!?!?!!), things are going great, and out of nowhere you tell me you’re FUCKING YOUR NEIGHBOR?! I mean what the fuck?! I just don’t understand why you would do such a thing, why you would try to hurt me like that! I mean FUCK Jay I can’t remember the last time I was this upset! I nearly vomited when you told me that (Omg Wiley stop being so fucking dramatic) I just don’t get you, like one minute we’re happy and I’m in love with you and shit’s just fucking FANTASTIC and the next you’re calling me to break up with me (Wow…really? That was in September man wtf is this really about…?) I mean FUCK out of NOWHERE we’re just done and over?! What’s going on Jay, why would you do this to me!? Jesus Christ man I can’t take this shit anymore I’m sick of being confused with you!
Me:………….are you done?
Wiley: Yeah I wanna know what the fuck is going on with you man you can’t keep doing this shit to me!
Me: ……ok well can I talk now?
Wiley: Oh by all means please go I need an explanation!
Wiley: Like just give it to me straight, Jay, what the fuck happened why did you just break up with me out of nowhere?!
Me: (ok so this is what this is really fucking about…whatever you do Jay do NOT tell him that it was because of his crooked little penis and that his new nickname with all my friends is CLP!! TELL HIM SOMETHING ELSE DAMMIT!) Ok…FIRST OF ALL WILEY…the reason you have no fucking clue what’s going on with me is because you spend SO MUCH FUCKING TIME TALKING THAT YOU NEVER LET ME GET A WORD IN! You really wanna know why we were over?!
Wiley: YES!! FUCKING TELL ME THE TRUTH GOD DAMMIT!
(As everybody in the restaurant at this point is stopping and staring)
Me: *clearing throat* Well……ya see…it wasn’t you, it was me (FUCK! He’s gonna know I’m lying with anything I say from here on out…) I was just in no place to be in a relationship
Wiley: *abruptly cutting me off as usual* OH BULLSHIT! Oh my God I can’t take this I need to leave
Me: Ugh…fucking typical…
Wiley: Oh my God I’m gonna puke Jesus Christ Jay I can’t handle this shit!
Me: Chill the fuck out man Jesus Christ! Fucking cuttin me off again and then you wonder why the fuck you don’t get me or understand me get over yourself. Ugh and ya know, it’s not like I’m fucking my neighbor right now, I just happened to have fucked my neighbor before, or I was fucking my neighbor…and not even for that long we only fucked a couple times *as Wiley frantically throws his hands in the air and begins darting his eyes back and forth all over the place and slams his fists on the table* Oh fuck…I should probably just stop talking about me fucking my neighbor shouldn’t I…..?
Wiley: *as he shoots up out of his seat* OK fuck this I’m outa here man I can’t take this shit *throwing a $20 on the table and running out of the restaurant*
Me: Ugh REALLY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Finally, the waitress comes over hesitantly, and places Wiley’s two beers and my glass of wine down on the table as I half-explain to her and everybody else staring at me with half-hearted amusement mixed with pity that, no no no, I did not just get dumped, he was the one who got re–dumped. So, there I was, drunk and left alone with nothing but embarrassment, two beers, and a glass of white wine with none of my friends in LA willing to come meet me to help me finish all this alcohol. Fuck it, I wasn’t gonna waste that shit. In a matter of ten minutes, I downed the drinks I was left with and hurried out of there as fast as I could. On the walk home, I contemplated sending hate texts to Wiley, wondering if I should attempt to dirty talk as a means to further fuck with him and amuse myself…but I decided against it. By the time I got back to my place I was too hammered to even realize that I had been pressing the elevator button over and over again as the elevator door repeatedly opened and shut right in front of me. Ooopsies. So I got in upon realizing so. Once in the elevator, I repeatedly pushed 4, 4, 4, 4, 4, 4, 4, 4, 4 (I live on the 4th floor in case you have yet to deduce this fact). Ooops…I was doing it again. I then fell back against the wall of the elevator, realized there was someone else in it, and glanced to my right to get a look at this poor mother fucker who had to deal with my inebriated, nonsensical elevator antics. There he was, my Mr. Big (Sex and The City reference you should all know), the one that got away, the reason I even HAD this fucking re-break up date to begin with, my favorite dickhead from Detroit, my Mystery Man……my imfamous neighbor. There he was, staring at me with this gigantic “AHH HEY ITS ME AND I’VE BEEN WATCHING YOU THIS WHOLE TIME!!!” grin on his face. It had been a month since I last saw and spoke to him about how I could no longer be strung around as his little ego boost, how I refused to be friends with him because I had strong feelings for him that would make it impossible to do so, and how I was deleting his number from my phone and him from my life as it was too difficult to bear otherwise. There he was…with me…in the elevator…after demanding to Wiley that, “I AM NOT FUCKING MY NEIGHBOR!” I stare back at him with disgust on my face and excitement in my heart as I finally break the silence with, “Ugh…I would run into you of all people after my night……”
Now……..again, I will not detail the events following the elevator encounter, nor will I document any other moments in my dating life that lead to me getting laid, as the title of this blog would be rather misleading if I did. I will say that it has been over two weeks since I last saw and spoke to M&M in that elevator, since that same night we lay up in bed talking for hours, since he last walked out of my apartment that night, since I last saw him, since I last heard from him. He has my number, I don’t have his. Don’t worry, I’m dating…..and in therapy.