After a weekend of several failed attempts at finding my Prince Charming at the club (surprise surprise), I woke up this morning determined to be taken on a date…and also remembering that I forgot to defrost the meat to make dinner for myself later on that night. So I figured, I could use a free meal and an ego boost. As I mentally perused through my list of viable dinner dates, I remembered that Mike had been hitting me up recently, trying to pay me back for the “free therapy” I’d given him on our first lunch date about a friggin month prior (my plan B on all my dates: DO THERAPY! …yes I’m a sick individual I know). Score, let’s give him a call……
*ring ring ring ring* Hey you….yeah it’s been awhile I know….nothin just heading to work thought I’d see if you were free tonight….dinner? Yeah, I’d love to…ok yeah pick me up at 8….ok see ya later hun.
And BOOM! Mission: accomplished.
I have to admit, as I’m getting ready for this date with a guy I already know I’m not interested in (aside from the fact that he’s a blonde-haired, blue-eyed stunningly gorgeous specimen that I wouldn’t mind climbing, biting, and mounting…I’d say I’m about as attracted to him as I am to the impotent panda at the zoo), I’m getting excited just to be able to date….the last date I went on was the re-breakup date with Wiley, and we all know how that turned out. In fact, come to think of it I was putting on the same exact outfit I wore that night…and then I ran into M&M that night…omg could it be that this is my lucky outfit? Yes!!!! As I’m discussing all this to myself, I have Sex and The City playing in the background (to which I can now probably attribute most of my excitement) and I begin to contemplate how M&M is my Mr. Big…*sigh* Oh well! Gettin ready, gettin ready, gettin READY…when I realized I still have to walk Lola..hmm…”Lemme walk her first and then put on my makeup…and lemme throw on uhhh…this t-shirt and pair of shorts so I don’t hafta walk her lookin all skanky and shit” I grab the dog, throw my hair in a bun, probably didn’t even throw on deodorant yet, and BOOM! As I open the door looking jenky as FUCK, there’s my stunningly gorgeous neighbor who I no more than 2 minutes ago was just fantasizing about…first time I’ve seen him since that night. Why God WHY NOW I LOOK SO SHITTY!!!!!!!!!!
Small talk, small talk, small talk how are you bla bla bla keep it short Jay and make sure you end the conversation first!!
“OK good seeing you…you look great by the way…”
Commence awkwardly abrupt turn and DASH!
As I’m awkwardly shuffling down the hall and as fast away from him as I could possibly physically manage, I feel my heart racing and my knees start to buckle below me, causing me to hold onto the wall just to be able to continue standing/shuffling/running away. Into the elevator I run, out the building I go, and I immediately run as fast as I can to Drama’s, hyperventilating and shaking and sweating while somehow still managing to stand and run at the same time. I get there and immediately collapse into an emotional mess of a thing, crying and dry-heaving and holding onto Drama for dear life. OK Drama, fuck this…I’m going on my date. I’m good.
So Mike arrives at exactly 8 o’clock on the dot. I’m instantly satisfied. He opens the car door, proceeds to tell me how amazing I look, and obviously paid for dinner. Overall, it was contextually the perfect date. After dinner, we went and got cupcakes and hot chocolate, drove up the Hollywood Hills to park up (haha oh God I know) and…hang out? How did I not see this?!
ANYWAY, so we park on this cliff overlooking the entire city and, man, I gotta hand it to him, that was a good move. So, there’s classic rock playing on the radio, “November Rain” to be specific, when he points to something “all the way over there” to my right. I look, turn back around, and he’s THISCLOSE to me. Whoa what the fuck man…..”Oh I just wanted to get closer to you.” Oh God…this feels very 16-Candles-ish….aaaaaaaaaaaall right let’s do dis shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. Immediately, we start making out, and MY GOD…what a great kisser he was….
So we’re making out and then he throws me up on top of him into the driver’s seat (where we definitely do NOT fit) and shit is just uncomfortable. My legs have no room, my hair is all over the place (and not in a super porno sexy way), and now I have a charlie horse FUCK OOOOWWWWW!!!!!!!!! We’re still kissing and it’s great and my legs hurt but fuck it but OK now they’re falling asleep CHARLIE HORSE AGAIN and lemme just kick my leg over here and THERE!
Suddenly the radio station changes and while we were first making out to November Rain, now we’re making out to “Kiss” by Prince. Of course we are. Ugh fuck it, we start making out again and it’s great “What a GREAT kisser” I’m thinking when, wait a minute, is he……………..? Oh my God…he is…he’s…….caressing…………..my butt crack?! WHAT THE FUCK!?!!?!?
Me: uhhhhh…don’t do that
Me: ummmmmm!!!!!!!!! it’s getting late I have work in the morning
Him: *SPANK SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANK!*
Me: (ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!) *as I’m getting off of him* yeah I think it’s time to go back to my place *I coo all flirty as a means to imply that he’s coming home with me but knowing damn well that I have NO INTENTION OF THIS BUTTCRACK CARESSING ASSHOLE ENTERING MY HOME AND/OR VAGINA…or buttcrack for that matter!*
We get back to my place and I tell him to park in front of the fire hydren (how do you spell that shit?) and turn on his hazards, making it VERY CLEAR that he is coming RIGHT BACK DOWN. We get out of the car and GOD DAMN he’s tall! How did I not realize it earlier? He’s 6’4 and I’m 4’11…as we walk up to my place I look like his adopted child from the far-east…like some sort of charity case he pulled for the Make a Wish Foundation. We get into the building and he immediately HOISTS me into the air and we start making out again (thank God cuz somebody probably would’ve called the cops on us if they saw us making out JUST STANDING…that shit would look like all sorts of wrong) Basically, the night ended with us making out summore and me telling him that there was no way in hell he could come into my apartment because my chihuahua would kill him I SWEAR IM SO SERIOUS but that I had a great night thanks call meeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!! ………
So here I am…reporting on tonight and currently icing my face due to the extremely painful rash I have around my lips from his stubble rubbing up against my skin for the past hour and a half……….ooooouch….fuck….I think I left my glasses in his car.