I finally found a stable connect that gives me twice the amount of Molly for half the price as usual. It sure pays to be hot in Hollywood.
With that said, I decided to celebrate this new-found discovery by inviting Serenity, Mirage, and Mush Mush out for a night of drug-induced debauchery.
“Molly and mayhem tonight you crazy bitches!” was the text I sent out. “You really better have drugs you stupid bitch, or I’m not coming!” was the reply.
My friends are so sweet.
Scantily clad (as usual) in my tight white zip-up tube top and hot pink tube skirt, 7-inch black stilettos typically on foot, I scattered drugs and drinks atop my dining room table, the girls clapping and laughing with glee. Before heading out, I made sure to put on my lucky panties, the ones I happen to ALWAYS have on when super crazy awesome nights ensue.
The four of us went to The Roxbury, where we cheers-ed together by ordering a round of OJ to down our goodies. Unfortunately for us, the club closed at 2. At that point, we were just getting started.
Fuck it, let’s go to Avalon! They’re open til 5! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO! To Avalon, we went. Upon arriving, we saw that the line was wrapped down the street.
FUCK THIS I NEED MUSIC IN MY SOUL NOW!!!!!!!!!!!
Grabbing Serenity, I marched us to the front of the line. “Bitch, perk up those titties NOW,” I instructed her as she lasciviously licked her lips and felt herself up, completely in love with this new drug to which I introduced her for the first time tonight. Not that she needed to take extra measures to do so; she’s like a 34 DOUBLE D! They’re saying, “HELLO!!” to the world with their mere existence.
To the bald-headed bouncer, I cooed with a sensual moan and insinuating tone, “Excuse me sir…is this REALLY the line…? Is there ANY possible way we can COME IN now..?” Knowing damn well what I was doing, the bouncer snickered and replied, “Haha…yeah baby that’s the line all right…but if you beg me WITHOUT WHINING I’ll let you in right now…” HA. MONEY. So beg a bit I did and in we all went.
Don’t get me wrong; this is the extent to which I will use my sexual prowess for anything. If he would’ve told me I needed to get on my knees and fellate him to the point of seeing Jesus, I would have gladly marched my girls back home to dance in a circle in my apartment.
Avalon was everything we needed in that moment. Completely kicked into high gear and at the crux of our highs, the four of us danced individually in our own little worlds, as the bass pumped loudly in our ears and veins, surrounded by other club-goers currently experiencing their own effects of the x.
To our dismay, five o’clock could not have rolled in soon enough. The lights came on faster than we could say, “SEX ON X!” Fortunately for us, we were then shuffled into the adjacent club next door, Bardot, which was open til 8 o’clock in the morning. UGH THANK GOD! Walking into Bardot, we realized that here they really catered to the drug scene: every table was lined with piles and piles of coke, there were massage chairs set up to really address the needs of those rolling, and bottled water sold for $5 a pop.
We were in heaven.
There was no roof and cigarette smoke clouded the air as people frantically made friends with one another and danced the night away. I can always tell when I’m rolling hard because I’ll smoke that many cigarettes. I smoked a fucking lot. I actually quit smoking when I was 19. Then again I quit a lot of things when I was 19: cigarettes, drugs, sleeping around.
Fuck that, I’m not a quitter!
True to form, the four of us eventually had to cave and get water from the bar. Serenity and I walked over, when to my lucky libidinous wonderment, I spotted The Bartender.
Now, mind you, when I’m rolling and out with my girlfriends, I don’t give a FUUUCK about men! I have no desire to talk to any, I have no desire to give any my number, I have no desire to go home with any.
“Chicks before dicks” is how I roll mother fuckers.
The entire night was spent completely engrossed in our girly gathering, which was amazing and fun and more than enough for me on a night out.
At this point, I was undeniably spellbound by this Scott Speedman look-alike (google him; he’s not that famous, but this is EXACTLY what he looked like, and I’m talkin Scott Speedman circa the first Underworld movie…not him in The Vow…eww). Bright blue eyes, broad shoulders under a long black button-up shirt, just enough scruff that it’s sexy and not scary, and short curly blonde hair. GOD he looked so undeniably delicious…
Bartenders are always tricky for me. I usually dare not even venture to bed one, as they are ALWAYS gorgeous (at least in LA), continuously see a herd of horny, willing, hotties roll in and out within seconds of one another, and are stationary enough so that all said hornballs will try and try and try to bed them. In other words, it takes very hard work and dedication to bed one in a crowded club on a Friday night. I usually go in knowing damn well I will want to fuck any bartender behind the bar and that I don’t see the point in trying.
Yes, I’m a bit of a defeatist when it comes to them as I have come to terms with the fact that they are merely there as eye candy and catalysts to my shameful carnal acts at closing time.
Standing at the bar, I waited to catch the busy bartender’s eye. Surely enough, our eyes met and I made sure to hold the gaze for exactly THREE SECONDS.
Now, when you can maintain eye contact with somebody, ANYBODY, for at LEAST three seconds, you will in some way shape or form become intimate with that person, whether it is emotionally intimate, physically intimate, or sexually intimate. In order words, you’ll either talk to them about how your mother fucked you up or you’ll be screaming, “MOTHER FUCK ME HAAARD!!!” later on.
So this is what I do.
This is something for all people to keep in mind when communicating with or trying to fuck others.
After my necessary three seconds, the bartender began to blush and then broke our gaze, putting his head down yet still smiling to himself.
YES, I WON, I WON, I WON!
After having some other guy buy our $5 waters, Serenity and I headed back over to Mirage and Mush Mush, making sure to be far enough from the bar to not crowd it, but making sure to be close enough so that the bartender could still watch me, completely unable to make a move but forced to see me get hit on by other men and wonder whether or not any of them were gonna be successful in subduing my sexual appetite for the night. At 6:30 in the morning, the club wasn’t as packed as usual, so I was still very visible from where I stood.
I proceeded to dance on the table (dancing around other people gets more of THEIR sweat on me than my own!) while stealing a glance here and there back at the bartender, who stood behind the bar the entire time, leaning back against the wall behind him, arms crossed, and watching me.
I knew he was watching.
He knew I knew he was watching.
And so continued our dance…
After about twenty minutes of me giving Mirage a lapdance, convincing a 21-year-old girl on Molly to TOTALLY go home with that 50-year-old man, and cheering on the over-drugged ravers during their dance-offs, I looked back to see his eyes still fixated on me.
He then motioned for me to come over with a “come-hither” finger.
YESSSSS!!!!! Hook, line, and SINKER baby.
I gave a little eye-roll before walking over as a means to at LEAST convey that I’m not easily won…….BECAUSE I AM! But FUCK AYOOOUU bartender (!) you’re not easily winning MEEE! No sir!
…OK obviously he is.
Making sure to sexily saunter over in the slowest way possible, taking routes in between dancers and stopping to rub the biceps of the boys I passed, holding my gaze on Mr. Gorgeous behind the bar the entire time, I casually walked up and in the sweetest sounding way possible, demanded,
“WHAT DO YOU WANT?”
Smiling slyly and without responding, The Bartender placed his hand in mine, leaving a crumpled up note in it, and then walked away to go tend to other patrons.
I looked over at The Bartender questioningly as he winked back at me and then turned his back to me in order to serve more people at the other end.
I couldn’t help but blush as I attempted to hold in my excitement while opening this little facet of flirtation between us.
Damn. I thought I was good.
No, hewas FUCKING GOOD.
I had to hand it to him, this was by far the slickest move I’ve ever had put on me and I was unsurprisingly mentally melting and carnally swelling over this gesture.
I AM FUCKING THAT BARTENDER TONIGHT!
After seeing how gushy gaga I was over his note, The Bartender made his way back over to me and asked,
The Bartender: *looking directly into my eyes with a sly smile on his face* Do you have your phone on you?
Me: *deadlocked on his* Nope, it’s back at the table with my friends…gimme YOUR phone…
The Bartender: *reaching into his pocket without breaking our gaze and handing me his phone* Here.
I then proceeded to type in my phone number and “JAYLA HOT ASIAN BITCH” as my name.
Taking his phone back and looking at what I typed, The Bartender giggled and typed in something as well.
The Bartender: Here I texted you… *handing his phone back to me to show me*
The text: THE BIG DICK BARTENDER
Me: *my jaw dropping in complete disbelief and arousal and unable to muster up many words in reply other than…* Oooh….REALLY…?
The Bartender: *nodding and smiling with pride* Yeah…REALLY. You live around here?
Me: Two blocks. You?
The Bartender: I live in the Hills. So you’re on the way home, huh?
Me: That I am, Sir…
The Bartender: Maybe…I can stop by on my way home from work later…
Me: *not giving in too easily* HA! You wish, Baby.
As a means to end our conversation, I then abruptly placed both my hands on the bar, LIFTED myself up across it, and planted a soft yet firm kiss right on The Bartender’s cheek, blushing as I grabbed his bottom lip with my thumb before walking off. Stunned at my move, The Bartender dropped his mouth slightly and began to blush as he watched me walk away without waiting for a response.
It’s aaaaaaaaaaaaaall about….
And you bet your ass I was gonna make The Bartender do JUST THAT.
I headed back over to the girls and continued on for about another hour or so, making sure to not go anywhere near the bar once I’d left. I did make sure to send The Bartender a text about how fucking sexy he looked back there, to which he replied that I should come back there and get sexy on him.
I declined the offer.
Before leaving the club, I made my way back to give him a proper goodbye. He demanded he see me after work. I blushed and told him to “Call me, maybe” as I turned on my heel and whisked myself away.
Upon exiting the club, the four of us were met with Capitol Records in our view and the sun beaming into our eyes.
It was 6:45 in the morning.
The second we got into my apartment, the other three blacked the FUCK out, while I continued to dance by myself in the corner.
Yes, I was waiting for The Bartender to get off work.
We were both Geminis and deduced that our playtime would be plenty fun.
Taking a whiff of my underarms, I realized I better wash THOROUGHLY if I was gonna be having any sort of naked romp at 8 in the morning after mother fucking EIGHT HOURS of straight dancing on drugs.
I then put on a pair of sweatpants, a wifebeater, and flip flops, recurled my hair and redid my makeup…
Then I put on my brown aviator sunglasses….and made my way out the door back to Bardot.
I was finally going to bed a bartender.