“Be Anything BUT Yourself”

Marketing Expert 1: *lowering voice* Hey listen…you’re gonna have to tone yourself down a little bit if you’re gonna sell these guys on your coaching and stuff.

Me: *perplexed as to how I could POSSIBLY turn ma brown ass down* Uhh…what the fuck are you talking about?

Marketing Expert 2: THAT!  *as if catching a predator at a secluded mansion on the beach* That right there…the cursing…you can’t do that anymore.

Me: *not realizing I even cursed* WHY THE FUCK NOT?!

Marketing Expert 1: *scolding me like my Dad when I don’t eat rice* Well…ya know nobody will take you seriously if you talk like that!

Marketing Expert 2: *playing Good Cop* We get it…you’re from Jersey…and…maybe you can just…curse privately!

Me: *like a child hearing there’s no Santa Clause* Like…by myself in the shower and stuff?  So basically you’re saying…I shouldn’t…be myself…

Both: *quite seriously happy that I just understood their point* YES!

Marketing Expert 2: I mean you can still be YOU!  Just…not…so…much…

Me: *having an AHA! moment* Can I still say…CUNT?!

Both: *like I just flashed them an unshaven vagina* OMG NOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Marketing Expert 1: *pointing at me to shame me into submission* People wanna buy from experts…and experts need to be serious, poised, and PROFESSIONAL.

Me: I’m serious about men getting the love and ladies they want.  And I’m even MORE serious about men getting the POON!  I’m VERY serious about THAT shit!!*

Marketing Expert 2: *playing encouraging Mom* Which is wonderful!  We love that!  Just do that without cursing or saying “cunt” or “pussy.”

Me: But I love those words…I bet you want me to wear a blazer too…

Marketing Expert 1: That wouldn’t be a bad idea actually.

Me: *blank staring* OK I’ll think about it.

Marketing Expert 1: No you HAVE TO revamp your entire…uhh…you have to revamp.

Me: *blank staring* Ok I’ll think about it.

Marketing Expert 2: OK great!  So just tone it down.

Me: *throwing pseudo gang signs up to scare them* OK I’ll think about it!!!!!!!

Both: *sigh* Ok great talk!

Me: Yeah not so much.

(My face throughout and after this conversation)