**While I normally only separate stories into several parts as a means to fully detail the extent of how ridiculous my adventure was, I must admit that this “Part II” to the tale at hand can be likened to Kill Bill, Vol. 2 or even The Matrix Reloaded, as it does not really even make sense or connect to the first part to begin with. However, a story is a story, and I am merely here to tell it.**
It was 5-hour open bar. AGAIN, in case the first time was not a clear enough indication of how my night went…it was FIVE…HOUR…OPEN…BAR…! This is how I remember the rest of the night:
10:00 PM – Georgia Peach tells me she’s gonna head home cuz she has an early flight. I yell at her to stop being such a prude bitch and go fuck PJ. She laughs and tells me to fuck Suavamente Longhair. I vow to videotape it and send it to her if I do. She laughs and tells me she can’t wait. I get sad to see her go.
10:15 PM – Me and the rest of the Asian posse I grew up with fight over who gets what hotel room and where the fuck we go now. My parents tell us we’re all too drunk to drive. We laugh at them and challenge them to a race. They drive us home, instead. They showed us.
10:23 PM – I change into my my matching black lace thong and push-up bra. These A-cup babies are saying hello tonight. I put my hair up because I didn’t wash it this morning. The hair lady told me not to, OK? I put on more deodorant and throw on my silver, rhinestone-studded gigantic hoop earrings. If these don’t say, “I put out” I don’t know what will.
11:00 PM – We congregate around the kitchen at my parents house while fighting over who’s the least drunk to drive and convincing my parents that driving a mile back to the hotel drunk is fine, then further explaining to my parents that I am actually an expert at drunk driving and that they should be thoroughly impressed with me and where I have come in my life. They are not impressed. They tell me to move back to NJ. I laugh at them then tell them to read my blog. I hope they don’t.
11:15 PM – We are back at the hotel but everybody is scattered. I run into Vixen and Gem, who tell me that they’ve just consummated their marriage. Vixen is still in her wedding dress. They must have been really horny. I hug her and congratulate her. I wonder if there’s cum on her dress. I can’t tell.
11:20 PM – I begin walking to the bar across the street with Vixen, Gem and all his friends. PJ is in the crowd. He doesn’t acknowledge me. I begin interrogating my sister’s date about what he likes most about her. His answers are romantic.
11:22 PM – All 20 of us cross the highway to the bar. I tell my sister’s date to visit me in California. One of Gem’s friends hears me say this and asks where in California. I tell him LA. He tells me he lives in LA too. I ask if he knows PJ. He says he lives with PJ. We then look at one another and burst out laughing. He insists that I’m the one with the blog. I concur. He compliments me on giving him good reading material. I thank him. What a nice thing to say. I think I will try to fuck him too.
11:25 PM – PJ’s roommate grabs my hand as we enter the bar. I see Suavamente Longhair behind us now talking to some tall, brunette. I abort mission. I decide that I’ll fuck the roommate instead.
11:30 PM – I lose everybody at the bar. I run into two girls I went to high school with. One of them tells me how much she loves my blog. I tell them both that I just got my asshole waxed. PJ’s roommate comes up behind me and grabs my hand to lead me off. I point to him and mouth to the girls that “I’m going to fuck this one!” as we walk away.
11:45 PM – I rendezvous with my cousins sitting at the bar after losing everyone else who looks familiar. I’m sad that I lost Suavamente Longhair and the roommate at this point.
11:50 PM – Suavamente Longhair comes up and starts talking to us. My cousins leave. Suavamente Longhair takes the seat right next to mine at the bar. He puts one of his legs between mine and rests his one hand on my thigh. I believe this is what they call “GAME TIME.” I’m instantly horny.
12:00 AM – Suavamente Longhair and I talk, talk, and talk about everything. He puts his lips close to my ear. I put my hands on his knees and thighs. Our cheeks touch when we talk. He orders more drinks. I don’t. I don’t want to vomit in his lap.
12:30 AM – My cousin comes over to tell us they might be leaving to go party at the hotel. We tell him to let us know when they do.
12:45 AM – Suavamente Longhair begins talking about his Dad. I go right along in listening and being more inquisitive about this. I realize this is an intimate topic. I contemplate asking him to marry me. I, instead, tell him to move to California. He says he wants to.
1:15 AM – Suavamente Longhair orders more drinks for himself. I refrain. I happily picture him too drunk to turn me down. I think I’m fatter than him. What’s the best way to have sex with someone so that they don’t see your extra fat? I decide we’ll do missionary and doggie. I insist he order more shots for himself. He does.
1:30 AM – We realize everybody is gone. Suavamente Longhair says he’s too drunk. I tell him that’s nonsense. I hope he doesn’t pass out before I force his penis inside me.
1:45 AM – We get up to find everybody. Nobody is left in the bar. I insist Suavamente Longhair order more drinks. I think this is what rapists do. Maybe he’ll be too drunk to realize how much thicker I am than him.
2:00 AM – Suavamente Longhair gets a call. Everybody is back at the hotel. We decide to leave. Suavamente Longhair double-fists two beers. I picture him double-fisting ME later. Ouchies. I am against that idea.
2:05 AM – We leave the bar. We hold hands. We continue to talk as we run across the highway together. He twirls me around then pulls me close. I don’t know what we’re talking about anymore. Maybe I don’t wanna fuck him. Maybe he can just hold me.
2:10 AM – I find my cousins. One of them hands me a cigarette. I don’t smoke. I smoke the cigarette. Is this a cigarette? It’s a joint. Dammit. Ooooh is that pizza?
2:15 AM – I eat the leftover pizza. All of it. Pizza is not on the paleo diet. Shame on me. I see Suavamente Longhair with PJ and all his friends. I try to find my empty hotel room.
2:30 AM – I find my sister in my hotel room. She is in bed with her date sleeping. I am upset she isn’t having sex. I tell everyone at the party to come into the room. My sister gets mad at me. Everybody comes into the room. My sister and her date have to wake up now. I tell my sister that I’m going to fuck Suavamente Longhair and that I will name him “Suavamente Longhair” in my blog. I realize I don’t know his real name. I must find him and ask.
2:45 AM – I try to find Suavamente Longhair. I find him smoking a joint with his friends. My sister tells me they’re going home. I realize I don’t have my phone or a ride if she leaves. I take another hit of the joint. I realize I am in no condition to fuck. I wonder what I should do. I want Suavamente Longhair’s face in my vagina and I also want to go to sleep too. Decisions. I feel fat. I shouldn’t have eaten all that pizza.
I woke up the next morning in my own bed at my parents’ house. Suffice it to say, I was unable to get Suavamente Longhair’s pretty ass in my hands or his pretty face in my ass. I’m sure if I scour Facebook long enough I can figure out his real name, but I like the mystery of not knowing all too much. Unfortunately, the Jersey Shore was not as whorish as it appears on television. I’m proud to say that I’m now back in Los Angeles, land of the skinny, fake, plastic pussy and shallow, superficial studs who claim to be actors while struggling to make rent as Starbucks baristas…aka my home sweet home. Well…at least Vixen got laid on her wedding night.