Last night was Gem and Vixen’s wedding. At the rehearsal dinner the night prior, Georgia Peach and I, the only single girls in the wedding party (and probably in the whole wedding now that I think of it), discussed who we’d attempt to bed after open bar got the best of us.
Me: OK so the available groomsmen are my two cousins (FUCKING EWW), that buff dude with the girlfriend, or the really tall one. Shotgun the really tall one.
Georgia Peach: You think he’s attractive? Really?
Me: Dude…he’s the hottest one out of all of them. My rule is, if there are no good looking ones, go for the BEST looking one. And he’s it.
Georgia Peach: Hate to break it to ya bitch, but he’s married.
Me: Ugh fuck my life. We’ll hafta settle for the guests then. You actually might like one that I went on a date with back in California, he’s really funny.
Georgia Peach: Well, why didn’t YOU like him what’s wrong with him?!
Me: Nothing’s wrong with HIM, I just wasn’t into it I guess. He’s nice though and he’ll probably put out. You’re super hot.
Georgia Peach: Oh OK!
To tell you the truth, I was pretty nervous about seeing PJ again, considering I had never come face to face with somebody I’d blogged about afterwards. Although I didn’t write anything offensive (I don’t think I did…wait, do I ever?), I still always envision these men either punching me in the face or attempting to pour their beers over and then eventually breaking the bottle on top of my head…so this is exactly what I’m expecting and nothing less. At the wedding the next day, Georgia Peach and I sat in our seats and surveyed the rest of the guests as they came up for Communion, when I spotted Suavamente Longhair, a tall, lean white boy with long, wavy, sandy blonde hair that touched the very tip of his shoulders, a slight amount of peach fuzz adorning a perfectly rugged jaw line with matching blue eyes along with it all. Would it be entirely too inappropriate to orgasm in church at this point? To Georgia Peach,
Me: Holy. Fucking. Shit. Georgia, check him out *pointing to Suavamente Longhair*! He’s aaaaaaaaaaaaall mine, man…I am totally fucking that guy tonight *stern and confident*.
Georgia Peach: *baffled at my insistence* Umm…really? You’re into really long hair like that?
Me: *quite simply* Bitch, I’m into long hair if it’s coupled with a gorgeous face, blue eyes, and just the right amount of scruff to tickle my muff. It’s goin doooooooooooooooown! *completely disregarding the fact that I’m discussing potential oral sex in church in front of Jesus and the rest of the cookie-cutter Catholics present*
Georgia Peach: Ok good, cuz I think the one in the tan suit is hot! *pointing to PJ*
Me: Oh my God that’s him! That’s the guy I went on a date with in California! Do it! Yay let’s fuck side by side!
I spent the rest of the precession fantasizing about riding Suavamente Longhair in filthy Catholic schoolgirl fashion, simply lifting up my bridesmaid’s dress while pulling on his flowing blonde locks as he pulled on my flowing black locks (maybe during our dirty romp we could also have a contest to see who whips their hair back and forth better). After the wedding, we all piled into the party bus to pop champagne and take pictures. Considering it only takes me, oooooh say, about ONE drink to be tipsy and easy, I was TANKED about a half hour later by the time we got to the reception, which happened to be open-bar. I knew I should’ve brought my drugs from California (which by the way it is not illegal to bring on the plane…little FYI for you all).
I can’t say I remember too much about how the reception went, however, once everybody took their seats, I noticed Suavamente Longhair taking his at PJ’s table; fuck…this may very well squash whatever chances I had at wedding night nookie. The general consensus I get from interested men reading my blog is that they either a) want to fuck me already out of pity for how I never get laid or b) want nothing to do with me for fear of having a blog post detailing my true inner dirty commentary based on how I really perceive them. If Suavamente Longhair heard anything from PJ about me, I’m hoping his reaction is the former rather than the latter because I FINALLY got the BEST BRAZILIAN WAX OF MY LIFE and I need SOMEBODY to attest to it; that bitch practically put the spit shine on her she’s so SHINY and LUMINESCENT! Mama is proud and getting FUCKED tonight dammit (The last time I got a Brazilian, it was so awfully painful that it was sore for the next WEEK! My poor girl, Drummer couldn’t even rub his face in it; all he could do was pretty much STARE at it. Besides, my “sure thing” in Jersey had just bottomed out by letting me know about three days prior that he now has a girlfriend. UGH. Men under 35 should not be in relationships. GORGEOUS men under 35, for that matter. No, you men should all behold my bare vajay and bum. The rest of you can go ahead and get married).
About an hour into the reception, I was so bombarded with people I hadn’t seen in years and the amount of free liquor that was being thrust at me, that I pretty much gave up on Suavamente Longhair. Finally catching a free moment with Vixen, she discloses to me that,
Vixen: Hey you see that blonde guy with the super long hair?
Me: *my interest now re-peaked* Yessssssssssssssss what about him?
Vixen: *sparkle in her eye over what she probably is already picturing happening from what she’s about to tell me* Welllll!!! He just asked me about you!
Me: (Ugh. I’m so fucking good at this shit) REALLY????
Vixen: Yeah! He asked who my hot cousin was in the wedding party and, seeing as how you’re the only BROWN person in my wedding party he OBVIOUSLY meant you! I’ll hook you guys up!
Me: *knowing damn well that I need to run my own game based on the circumstances at hand* No no no! I got this. Don’t say anything else about me!
Vixen: *insisting on playing matchmaker* Oh shut up! I’m gonna go talk to him, then come up behind me and start talking to me.
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! DON’T!!!!!!! OK do but I’m still gonna play the whole “Completely Disineterested” game.
So Vixen went to talk to him, and I did just that. My parents were there, my cousins were there, my aunts and uncles were there, my siblings were there, my GODmother was there….JESUS was there! For fuck’s sake, Vix, I’m not gonna go dick hunting in front of all these people! As the night went on, the more and more I drank, the more and more I ate. FUCK I always overeat when I’m in Jersey. Something about being out there makes me a lot fatter and trashier than I really am. Must be something in the water… Anyway, I hadn’t seen Suavamente Longhair all night and made a point to not go anywhere near him either. Either that or I was really just too inebriated at that point to really decipher faces that weren’t brown.
Towards the end of the night, the dance floor completely empty, I pulled my sister out there to dance to some popular club song that none of the other other Filipino or white folk were interested in dancing to (Filipinos will NOT dance to anything they can’t line dance to or any song that was made after 1989). Being the only ones on the dance floor, my sister and I danced away, when after PJ and Suavamente Longhair came sauntering on after us. Tag team on the dance floor? Haha I had to appreciate the approach. This is the male equivalent of one girlfriend going over to talk to the guy while the interested girlfriend stands and watches from afar, pretending to not have any idea. Fine. This will do. PJ goes on over to my sister and, bless her heart, she will always be my number one wingman; she’ll talk up and flirt with anybody if it means me sealing the deal for dick. (I LOVE YOU BITCH FACE!) Knowing exactly what was going down, I grabbed Suavamente Longhair by his skinny black tie and pulled him in close to me. In that instant, I then realized that my FATHER was watching from afar, a look of extreme concern and readiness to come and pry the pelvic thrusting pretty boys off his all-too-drunk-to-comprehend-life-at-the-given-moment daughters. FUCK! Leave it to your father to be the ultimate twat block for the night. While I normally would’ve proceeded to undo Suavamente Longhair’s tie and shirt buttons on the dance floor before turning around to scantily rub my ass over and across his dick, I, instead, kept him at a distance and attempted to make small talk.
Me: *completely uninterested in the answers and hoping he’d instead take my hand and lead me back to his hotel room* So, uhh…how do you know Gem?
Suavamente Longhair:*still two-stepping and twirling me around on the dance floor* Gem and I grew up together…you ever hear about the crazy times in THE SHED?!
Me: *still uninterested in the shed unless he’s about to start talking about a shed where he can go FUCK ME RIGHT NOW* Umm…no haha…never heard about the shed…tell me more about it…is this where you guys used to circle jerk each other off or where the gang bangs occurred? Hahaha…*attempting to get him to start thinking about fucking…and eventually fucking ME*
Suavamente Longhair: *completely missing my attempt at engaging in sexual conversation* No man we used to get hammered back there! It was nuts! Such good times we partied hard man!
Me: *disappointed that this conversation is not leading to me being bent over somewhere to get spanked in my little red dress* Oooh awesome man… *as I grab my sister’s hand and start shimmying my way away from Suavamente Longhair and off the dance floor*
If we weren’t gonna fuck at that point, there was no point in me having a conversation on the dance floor while my father GLARED at us from the sidelines. I figured I’d catch up with him later. By the end of the night, one of Vixen’s other bridesmaids came up to me and handed me her room key, explaining that she was just gonna bunk with someone else and that I could have the free room if I really wanted Suavamente Longhair. YESSS!!! Without hesitation, I SNATCHED the room key out of her hand and demanded she give me all her condoms as well, explaining that, “Bitch, you know you’re not gettin laid tonight LET’S BE REAL.” Begrudgingly and knowing damn well I was right, she handed me her keys and condoms. She may as well have been handing me the answers to my prayers, hopes, and dreams for the night because that’s what it felt like I was receiving in that instant…and off to the after-party we went.