Co-worker: *excited voice on a super emo melancholy Indian boy* Look look!!! I found a back massager!
Me: *not even turning around to look* You didn’t find a back massager you just put a vibrator inside a piece of styrofoam.
Co-worker: Holy shit…how did you know?
Me: *listening to the loud humming behind me* Because we have too many un-used sex toys laying around and way too much styrofoam that’s not in the garbage.
Co-worker: *giddy and gleeful* Oh my God he hates it! Haha look he keeps running away! *chasing his 8-month-old Husky Edword behind me with the vibrator*
Me: *now turning around* Dude…what the fuck are you doing?
Co-worker: *still chasing his Edword* I’m trying to massage his balls with it.
Me: What the fuck?! That’s sexual assault! LEAVE HIM ALONE!!
Co-worker: No! He’s gonna like it! Who wouldn’t like a vibrator on their balls?!
Me: Animals and small children…and obviously Edword.
Co-worker: Come here *now holding Edword down* …come feel his balls!
Me: *shocked and appalled regardless of how much I love having a set of nuts in my hands* UMM NO YOU SICK FUCK!!!!! THAT’S SEXUAL MOLESTATION!!!
Co-worker: No! He’s MY dog! It’s not bad if I’m his father!
Me: …said the man convicted of raping his 8-year-old son.