Sitting in bored on a boring weekday night, Drama and I are hanging out on his couch listening to Drake FUCKING AGAIN while trying to figure out what the fuck we can do right now. It’s Monday, so there’s really no clubs to go to and nobody really down to party.
Drama: Uhh, you wanna smoke a blunt?
Me: *highly unamused by this suggestion* And then what? Sit around summore but laugh like fucking idiots cuz there’s STILL nothing to do?
Drama: *convinced by my argument* OK…you wanna get fucked up? Yeah let’s get drunk I got mad Patron.
Me: *still highly unamused by his suggestions* And then what? Get all fucked up and get really emotional and start crying again about how nobody loves us? Then fall asleep by ourselves as we quite possibly cry ourselves to sleep? Pass.
As you may be able to tell at this point, I’m PMS-ing, and God bless Drama’s heart for not hating me over it or calling me out on my bullshit. As we sit in silence and continue to drown ourselves in Drake and dumbfounded uncertainty as to what to do with ourselves, both in the current moment and in life, Drama gets a text. As if physically jolted with the answer to our prayers
Drama: *with a look of excitement and newly energized madness on his face* RON JEREMY!
Me: *baffled yet intrigued* Come again…?
Drama: I forgot! I hit up Ron asking him if he had any dick pills he could give me and he told me he was making me a little pleasure pack…I FORGOT TO PICK THEM UP LETS GO!!!!!!!
Me: *still utterly confused yet excited at hearing the term “PLEASURE PACK”* Wait wait wait…you asked Ron Jeremy for DICK PILLS??? ….1. WHY!? and 2. …..really Drama? Are you havin some trouble down there…?
Drama: *rolling his eyes* No, bitch, it’s not like I need the shit I’m just gonna be doing alotta fuckin this weekend and I need to be a fuckin g ya know what I’m sayin? I need to be a rockstar this weekend for all the fucking I’m gonna be doing so I figured I’d try the shit out.
Me: *completely accepting this as a plausible answer* Ooooh…that’s not a bad idea. OK so…I’m guessing that’s what the text was about?
Drama: Yeah Ron said to come over. Let’s go you wanna drive me?
Me: (Like I would pass up the opportunity to pick up Viagara from Ron Jeremy) Umm is that really a fucking question? LET’S GOOOOOOOOO!!
Shooting up from his couch, Drama and I race out of his apartment and get into my car to head over to Ron’s, who happens to live RIGHT AROUND the corner from my building. Pulling up to his building, Drama let’s Ron know we’re downstairs. This feels like a drug deal, as Drama and I sit parked in my car waiting with Ron’s security guard suspiciously staring at us from inside. I guess this kinda is a drug deal…no? It’s been 45 minutes waiting downstairs when Ron Jeremy, 60-year-old most infamous male porn star to date, finally emerges from behind the double sliding glass doors to his apartment building, as I think to myself, “Would I fuck that man?” Now coming to my side of the window, Ron greets me with
Ron Jeremy: *twinkle of a hard-on in his eyes* Hey love…what’s up I’m Ron.
Me: *completely baffled at the fact that I’m going to touch the hand of a man who’s had it in so much famous ass and vagina* Hi! Nice to meet you finally. I’m Jayla.
Ron Jeremy: *now talking to Drama, who is still in the passenger seat* Hey, Drama, you need dick pills for this girl? Cuz I got a hard-on RIGHT NOW just lookin at her!
Drama and Me: *turning towards one another and shouting together in unison at the utter shock and devastation we were both hearing from such a statement* EWWWW NOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Drama: No, no, no, no, no, man! They’re not for her…we don’t…do that…no.
Me: *disgusted with a statement regarding Drama and I doing anything sexual yet internally blushing at having given Ron Jeremy a hard-on* Ha…yeah…ewww…but thanks.
Ron shrugs as Drama gets out of the car, proceeding with the drug deal on Ron’s front steps as opposed to hanging out of my car window. As I watch Ron pull out a plethora of pills, describing them meticulously to Drama with each new set, I wait in anticipation to see if I could possibly get any of these magic pills for myself…to use on innocent strangers. Now coming back into the car, Drama spills a pile of pills into his hands to show me
Drama: *holding up one after the other* Ok so apparently this one’ll keep your dick hard all fuckin night no matter what. THIS one makes you cum super fuckin hard. And I think he said THIS one just gets your dick up super fast or some shit I don’t know.
Me: *completely mesmerized by Drama’s new pleasure pack* Whoa…so does the shit actually work though?
Drama: *as-a-matter-of-factly in such a way that I’m retarded for even asking the question* Jay….RON JEREMY HIMSELF gave me these pills. In the porno shop they have a picture of his fuckin face on the bottles with him givin a thumbs up! I’m pretty sure they work!
Me: *delighted and now highly convinced* Oh my God GIMME SOME!
Drama: *appalled that I demand free drugs from him* WHAT? What the fuck do YOU need these pills for?!
Me: *slightly embarrassed yet completely proud of such an idea* Well..I wanna slip it in guys’ drinks at the club…..
Drama: *staring at me in disbelief* You mean…like…DATE RAPE?
Me: *all fuckin defensive and shit* NOOOO! Like…”Hey drink this…oh I see you have a raging boner…let’s go back to my place shall we?”
Drama: *not convinced* You’re fuckin sick. And no…I’m not giving you pills to date rape strange men at the club.
Utterly upset and disappointed, we drive back home as I contemplate ways to steal these magic pills from Drama. This isn’t the female equivalent of date rape….is it?