1. I feel all too comfortable enough to be my genuine self in front of most men, which mostly consists of me genuinely being gassy 24/7.
2. I feel that having a boyfriend would take away from the happy healthy relationships I already have in my life, primarily the ones I have with my hair stylist, my therapist, and my chihuahua.
3. When men tell me how they feel about me, I assume a deer-in-headlights look, blink several times, then finally cringe and say, “Umm…really?” further refraining from saying how I feel and instead changing the subject to something along the lines of, “So this one guy I fucked…”
4. I don’t want to have to share food I cook with others. Men always want the bigger piece of chicken. That’s MY mother fuckin piece of chicken!
5. I’d have to introduce a boyfriend to my family then have them ask me if he’s the one while I roll my eyes and reply with, “Can’t I just have a consistent one night stand without you PRESSURING me?!” thus making it awkward for said boyfriend and judgmental family members.
6. I have the attention span and interest of a goldfish and the libido of a 13-year-old boy who just experienced his first wet dream, neither trait being conducive to a healthy functioning relationship.
7. My dog attacks any man that comes within a 7-foot radius of me, thus making it difficult to have men in my home.
8. I’m a therapist.
9. I randomly burst out the first line from R Kelly’s “Bump and Grind” at inappropriate times because, ya know what (?), I don’t see nothing wrong with a lil bump n grind.
10. I’m 4’11. Most men don’t want to have child abuse reports filed on them just for being seen with me.
11. The only person I think is interesting, awesome, and sexy enough to love, spend time with, and get to know better is myself.