Finally arriving inside The Joint of the Hardrock Hotel & Casino, I see a sea of beautiful, half-naked women giddily giggling and fondling each other “Hello.”
My heart melts as I finally realize my childhood dreams are now coming true:
I am amidst hundreds of porn stars.
G.I. Dumb immediately splits to go find Spartacus, the main porn star we work with at the Porno Cave, who also happens to be his main love and focus at work.
Lube, The Great, and I are speechless, as the three of us stand in complete disbelief and frozen arousal while we attempt to embrace everything we see in this moment, as moving might ruin the picture before us:
Women with see-through dresses exposing their freshly waxed vaginas, buff beautiful men in tuxedos grabbing their ladies by the wrists and telling them “WHAT’D I TELL YOU?!,” an empty stage desperate for displays of sex and victory, and empty tables and seats waiting for us to get hot and horny ALL OVER.
The scene of heaven.
I’m immediately snapped from my trance when my current porno crush, The Chaser, a beautiful 27-year-old Latina BOMBSHELL who looks Asian when she cums, gracefully glides past me in her long silk black dress that dips into a V far below the center of her breasts and somehow still covers her nipples, the most conservative outfit I’ve seen thus far.
Without hesitation, I scream out, “CHASER!!!!!!” and knock through the crowd to catch her as she’s stunned out of her Grace Kelly glide and now fearfully turning to see who’s screaming the holy fuck out of themselves to get to her.
Starstruck and stuttering I interlock my fingers into The Chaser’s and hold onto her soft, tiny hands as I frantically blurt out in one fast fluid sentence, “I love you you were in our Squirting Mastery 2.0 program with Spartacus and you were the hottest one and I’m such a fan I think you’re so beautiful and SWEET AND AWESOME AND I’M SUCH A FAN AHH!”
The Chaser’s confused glare gradually turns to a soft giggling blush as I ramble on and on.
When I finally end my rant, she presses her lips together into a tight, endearing smile, places her hand on my cheek and says, “Oh that’s so sweet THAAAANK YOU.”
Then, without a pause to ponder, The Chaser leans in to me, her sweet Dior perfume intoxicating me more with every whiff, as she places her rouge red lips softly on top of mine, pressing them in between hers for the softest, sweetest kiss I’d ever felt and could ever imagine a porn star capable of giving.
And in an instant I’m flushing, blushing, and turned on.
Oh my God my lips are on a porn star’s lips…and her lips have been on so much cock and pussy I wonder if this could count as an orgy.
I wonder if she’s down to get down when she suddenly pulls away from our highly erotic moment and reaches for the man behind her, stating, “This is my husband…!” as this tall, white COCK BLOCK reaches his hand to shake mine.
Ummmm…the fuck…? GET OUTA HERE WHITEY!!!
I’m immediately embarrassed as I’m sure he just caught me kissing his wife…but then again I’m sure he’s caught many a men and women FUCKING his wife…so I quickly dismiss this feeling.
After measly and meaningless small talk, I saunter away to go find even more questionable talent for me to harass, when I spot the boys at Spartacus’ table.
I make my way over and Spartacus immediately spots me walking towards them, a look of recognition, arousal, and possibly too much coke emanating from his glance.
“There she is!” he exclaims in his thick sexy-ass British accent.
Returning an endearing smile, I throw my arms around Spartacus when he throws his arms behind me and grabs a CHUNK FULL of my ass in both of his hands, while thrusting his cock hard at me and kissing me on my neck.
HOW FUCKING DARE HE!!!!
I’m stunned in shock as I normally would slap the shit out of any guy who would dare do this to me.
(Now…contrary to what you may think about me at this point, I actually am HIGHLY AGAINST men grabbing my ass, unless of course you’ve been inside me at least twice…then I prefer it with a heavy spanking. Spartacus has been inside me a total of 0 times, although he did invite me to an orgy at his place for New Year’s…it still doesn’t count for shit.)
I’m still at a loss for words when Spartacus, completely unaware of the internal anger/serial killer rising up in me, reaches back and says in that skeezy-ass British accent of his, “This is my wife!” as this large amazonian blonde with tits each bigger than my head comes and kisses me on the lips as well.
Before I can even react to being double teamed by a porno couple, G.I. Dumb grabs my attention and screams over at me, “Jayla! Come here there’s somebody I want you to meet…”
I look over and see him standing next to AK47, short, tan, curly haired BUFF AS FUCK Jersey guido who happens to be my ULTIMATE male porn star crush…and also happens to be Spartacus and Amazon woman’s roommate.
Now I’m REALLY at a loss of words.
AK47 takes my hand in his and gives me a kiss on the cheek, the most normal introduction I’ve received all night.
My nerves from having just possibly escaped a gang-bang are now melting away as the smell of his musk and the Jersey rage in his eyes turn me into a puddle of Filipino-based lube.
I now beam with excitement and too much Jack Daniels as I mention:
Me: Hey you’re from Jersey right? I’m from Jersey too *trying desperately to seem casual and unphased even though inside me there’s a little 13-year-old on the brink of getting her period SCREAMING OUT in a fury*
AK47: *sniffing, constantly rubbing his nose, and darting his eyes back and forth as if paranoid someone will kidnap him* Oh yeah? *eyes darting not making eye contact with me* You still in Jersey?
Me: *uncomfortable from his paranoia/possible effects of coke use* Umm…no I’m in LA now…*still weirded out but desperate for him to fall madly in love with me with my eloquent choice of words and intelligent conversation* So were you nominated for anything?
AK47: *obviously offended and still darting his eyes around frantically* I was nominated for A LOT of things, ok?!
Ok fantasy over.
If you’re gonna be a dick to me, at least offer me a bump or two because you are OBVIOUSLY in a coke rage right now!
Then I remember he’s from Jersey.
I walk away from AK47 without saying goodbye.
I make my way over to our table to sit down next to Lube and The Great, Lube who has been way too stoned to speak this entire time and The Great who is already drunk after one sip of Jack and now desperate to get even MORE DRUNK as it’s his first time (he incessantly keeps insisting on me getting him Mai Tai’s from the bar…I instead get him scotch on the rocks…because that’s what real men drink).
Still a bit shook from the previous interactions, I text Boss Man:
Me: Boss Man…Spartacus…he…he grabbed my butt…with both hands! THAT’S NOT ALLOWED!
Boss Man: It’s how porn stars say hello. Get over it.
Me: Ooh! Ok.
Somehow I believe everything Boss Man tells me.
He could tell me that thumb-fucking assholes is the only cure for cancer and IN A SECOND you would see me in the Oncology unit of every Los Angeles hospital slipping my hands up patients’ nightgowns and viciously thumbs-upping the shit out of every shit hole I can get my hands on…literally.
I once asked Boss Man what I could do to get a raise and he told me, “Stop being such an Asian girl!”
I wrote that down…and strived to do just that.
Sure enough I got my raise.
Anyway, I then take my seat at our table when G.I. walks over with Asia, an older Asian porn star I recognize from being butt-fucked by Spartacus in his latest movie.
It was the only anal scene in the movie and she was the only Asian in it on top of that (or the only Asian ass on top of his dick…literally).
I wanna tell her that her anal scene lacked finesse and raunch and was probably as arousing as watching naked topless Africans do a tribal dance on the Discovery Channel…but I decide not to.
Instead, I turn to face the stage as Tyga gets on and begins to perform his hit “Rack City Bitch,” a song that speaks the words of my soul.
The bass booms from the stage as porn stars all around me stand up and start cheering him on, screaming, “RACK CITY BITCH RACK RACK CITY BIAAAAAAATCH!”
I, too, can’t help but scream along as I finally loosen up and let loose.
Dancing in my chair, I look to my left and see two big breasted blondes dancing against the railing with one another, the taller one positioned behind the other and thrusting herself against her smaller friend as if butt fucking her from behind.
Just before I write it off as hot girls dancing as expected, the taller blonde then slips off the other’s right shoulder strap, and tucks her right hand under her girlfriend’s right breast, shaking it in her hand as she begins licking her neck from behind.
I gulp hard and look around to see if anyone else is watching, when I see her now lift up her girlfriend’s dress, place two of her fingers in her mouth, and begin rubbing her girlfriend’s pussy RIGHT THERE ON THE SPOT!
UMM BITCHES I SEE YOU!!!!!!!
I continue to watch in immobilizing shock as the taller girl begins to thrust her two fingers slowly in and out of her little friend from behind, the both of them pressed up against each other and humping unrhythmically to the music.
I pretty much cannot believe this is happening…and then I can’t believe that I can’t believe this is happening at the porn awards.
I go to shake Lube who’s sitting across from me to show him what the FUCK is going on, as I can’t possibly handle seeing this by myself, when I look over at him and see he’s already gawking in an aroused and too-stoned state, his jaw completely dropped and pointing towards the evident boner in his pants.
OH CHRIST, LUUUUUUUUBE!
I put my eyes down as I’m now cornered by boners and bouncing titties, surprisingly stunned and uncomfortable.
I grab The Great by the arm as a means to somehow shield myself from all the flying cock and pussy around me when I look to see if HE sees what’s going on.
Alas, The Great is too drunk to comprehend his existence at this point, as he mentions in an unusually happy stammer, “Jaayy….luuuhh…do I look drunkkk? Hahaha I’m drunk…I WANT A MAI TAI!!!!!”
Ugh my poor 20-year-old boy…
I use this as an excuse to literally RUN AWAY from the scene and dart for the bar, as this is actually just too much to handle at this point.
I order a scotch on the rocks for The Great and a Goose Gimlet for myself as I struggle to catch my breath, completely perplexed as to why I’m wet considering how uncomfortable I now feel from having witnessed that.
The bartender hands me my drinks and states, “You in the running for any of the awards?”
Flattered, I tell him that I sure as fuck don’t fuck on camera…at least not for money or public viewing.
He laughs and I relax, as I’m finally having a normal interaction for the first time tonight.
“These things are so fucking boring I tell ya…” he admits to me.
I smile and shrug, as I walk away and pray to God he’s wrong.
Taking my seat again, I realize there are people on the stage talking, but there’s no sound coming from their dialogue.
Turns out their microphones don’t work.
From the pit, all the other porn stars start booing and screaming, “WE CAN’T FUCKING HEAR YOU!!!!!!”
And nothing is done about this for the next 2 hours, as people in their seats begin to talk and drink amongst each other, completely incognizant of anything going on on-stage for the rest of the night.
I excuse myself to go to the bathroom, as G.I. continues to charm Asia at our table (right in front of her big, fat, bald four-eyed husband), The Great continues to sway a drunken daze in his seat, and Lube struggles to stay awake.
I get to the Ladies Room expecting there to be a long line (there is a shit ton of vag at this venue) and already annoyed as I have an awful urge to unleash all this Jack and vodka into the nearest toilet.
When I get into the ladies room, not only is there a line, but there’s a line of about 4 girls frantically snapping pictures of and videotaping the 5 girls who are currently engaged in an orgy in front of the sinks.
Yes, you read that right.
There is a 5-GIRL ORGY TAKING PLACE IN THE PUBLIC BATHROOM as we speak!
Feeling trapped yet again, I shake my head as I watch three blondes, a brunette, and a red-head frantically circling their tongues around each other’s nipples and clits, everyone still donning their formal (more-so informal) attire while tearing to stick their tongues and fingers inside each other’s mouths, pussies, and assholes.
Tongues on tongues on nips on clits, as chunks and strands of hair and hands gracefully grace the half-naked beautiful bodies before me.
I don’t know whether to ask to join or ask if they’re on line.
It basically looks like a game of naked Twister with a bunch of hot fake-breasted women landing in each other’s orifices (“Right fist in pink…left thumb in brown!”).
Fuck this I really gotta pee.
I dart past the line of girls videotaping and make my way into the stall to pee aggressively.
Ok I’m done peeing.
I then tip-toe past the DTFPB (Down To Fuck in Public Bathrooms) girls to wash my hands when I should probably be washing my soul at this point.
I wonder if VD is airborne.
Given the amount of possible carriers present within a given radius, I convince myself that it could be so.
I wash my hands again.
I get back to my seat and Lube and The Great are practically asleep, G.I. still charming the shit out of Asia as she cocks her head back in laughter and demands he take her number.
I smile endearingly as I can’t help but be charmed by G.I.’s way with other people in this industry; they all love him.
I gotta hand it to him, the guy is good at what he does…he definitely was meant to work with porn stars.
The microphone is now working as they announce “Best Actress,” which goes to Ass-Uh, one of the hosts for the night, as all the other girls roll their eyes.
She steps on stage and states quite humbly, “Oh my God I can’t believe it! To the people in the front row I just wanna say SORRY because I’m not wearing panties and I forgot to shave my pussy for tonight!”
The fans laugh as the porn stars continue to roll their eyes.
The last couple awards are read out loud without having anybody accept them on stage, most of which go to Ass-Uh and a movie called “Wasteland.”
Cue more eye rolls.
I make a point to download this when I get home…which I somehow can’t wait to get back to.
The four of us then get up to leave as the show comes to an end, the microphones only working for the final 45 minutes of the 4-hour event.
We all wait in a crowded drunken bliss as they let the General Admission attendees out of the arena first, all of them breaking their necks in attempts to spot the women they jack it off to daily.
While waiting to be let out, I spot Brooklyn Babe, one of the stars in our 60 Minute Stamina program and winner of the Hottest New Female Talent award.
I walk over to her star-struck and tell her, “Brooklyn I just wanna congratulate you on the award and tell you that I think you look absolutely stunning tonight.”
In her strapless satin pink gown, she blushes, takes my hands in hers and thanks me while placing a soft kiss on each of my cheeks.
We continue to make small talk, both hand-in-hand, as they open the doors to let “the famous people” out.
Down the red carpet, fans begin frantically snapping pictures at the porn stars leaving The Joint as Brooklyn and I continue to talk in their sight.
Now spotting Lube, The Great, and G.I., I bid her adieu and make my way out as well, the three boys following closely behind me.
After taking only 3 steps onto the red carpet, a large 45-year-old bald white man breaks through the velvet rope and begs, “CAN I TAKE A PICTURE WITH YOU?!?!!”
I giggle, blush, and say, “Of course you can baby” as I place one arm around his white and red checkered neck and the other on his chest, air kissing him for the camera while the boys laugh hysterically behind me.
Ugh why the fuck not?
We catch a cab back to the hotel room, intent on going back JUUUUST to change and smoke really quick.
Three hits of a joint later, I wave the boys out the door, strip down to my red lace panties, and jump into bed.
I think for a HOT SECOND if I should be concerned about sleeping naked with three other men in a hotel room with only one bed, then realize these boys are my co-workers…which means they’re family, people who you’re involuntarily forced to share most of your intimate space and time with whether you can stand it or not.
Crawling under the covers, I roll up into a fetal position and watch as floods of booty call texts come in from all the boys I know who are currently in Vegas.
Without reading any of them, I put my phone away and bury my face into 3 of the 8 white satin goose down pillows currently sharing the bed with me, when for the first time in my life I have to admit defeat to something I hold so dear to my heart:
I am officially wiped out from all the sex I did not have tonight.