In the bathroom, Lube zips up my TOIT, black XXS spandex Bebe dress, as I tuck my right hand under my left tit, and then my left hand under my right to perk these babies UP.
“Oh MYYY! You look absolutely BEAUTIFUL! You could be a porn star!” I hear Lube say from behind me, his sincerity and boner both evident in his statement.
Lube sits next to me all day err day at work. He knows exactly what to say to get a girl feeling nice and putting him in the friend zone.
He’s my heart and my warm-hearted hard-on over at the Porno Cave.
I smile back at him and lower my voice to say, “Well I’m very lucky to be accompanied by YOUR sexxxy ass” as I place my hand on his cheek and wink.
I love nothing more than to talk super dirty to Lube, as he giggles, blushes and begs me to stop, immediately covering his crotch to conceal his rising boner.
It’s so endearing to see, I tell ya. He’s my daaaaaarling!
The smell of potent Sativa weed fills the hotel room as Lube and I then join G.I Dumb and The Great in the living room, the two of them each holding glasses of Jack Daniels, two extra glasses on the wooden desk against the wall next to them.
Reaching for my own glass, I pass on the joint going around as smoking usually makes me INSTANTLY pass out…and there will be no passing out tonight…not unless I’m passing out from being unable to take all the hot nasty SEX going on around me.
The 4 of us reach up our glasses and cheers.
TIME TO GO.
We arrive at the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino and are met with what seems to be a Trucker/Trailer Park’s Finest convention.
Both overweight men and ladies donning mullets and belly shirts to reveal their cottage-cheese-like belly fat, the crowd seems unphased as the three boys in suits and I in my dress sidle up next to them and skeptically ask:
“Umm…are YOU guys here for the AVN awards?”
An overweight white 50-year-old bald man in a rhinestone jean jacket blazer and his fittingly overweight African mama in her tight brown spandex SEE-THROUGH dress and thigh-high leather black boots, her lips soaked and stained with a rouge red lipstick comparable to the color of blood seeping from a recently run-over raccoon, then turn to us grinning and nod, the both of them OBVIOUSLY as horny now as they probably are when they’re at an iHop pancake buffet.
“Guys…we MUST be in the wrong line!” I demand to the boys, as my sexy bougie ass can’t POSSIBLY handle the thought of having adventured this far to be associated with this couple.
Is this the REAL reason Boss Man didn’t wanna come?
His “I’m badder, better, and BUFFER than any mother fucker alive!” sense of self-worth would never be able to handle being thrown into a mix like this.
G.I dumb refuses to wait and find out and instead pushes his way to the front of the line, me, Lube, and The Great following closely behind.
“Listen…we have a TABLE here? Where do we go for that?” he demands to the two festively plump ladies collecting tickets at the plastic table in front of the line.
The two ladies eye the four of us suspiciously, as they whisper to one another, check a list, and immediately brighten to respond with, “Oh yes! Go right ahead THIS way…THAT’S the general admission line…you don’t wanna be on THAT line” winking as they confirm our previous skepticism.
We all sigh in relief as we finally head past the tumbleweed tourist groupies and head towards the gigantic double black doors leading towards the event, as two big bald-headed bounces unclasp the velvet red rope at our approaching.
With the double doors now teasingly exposing the X-rated event, G.I, Lube, The Great and I stand in libidinous anticipation as we’re finally greeted with fog, bright lights, and the sweet smell of Victoria’s Secret body lotion.
Ladies and Gentlemen, we have finally arrived at the AVN Awards.
Cue x-rated ridiculous.