Went out unwillingly last night with Jester and Diva to somewhere out in the West side; my stubborn ass really hates leaving Hollywood to go party as I do not see the point in going out anywhere when you need to drive because you can’t do the drunken WALK of shame home. It’s called the “Walk of Shame” people, not the “One of Your Friends Has to Not Be Able to Drink and Party and Get Sloppy With Everyone Else Cuz That Person Has to Drive All Your Shameful Asses Home…of Shame”!!
When walking around inside The Wellesbourne, I come to realize that I don’t know anybody that Jester and Diva know, this being their tight inner circle. Doing a random scan of who the hell I can possibly rock climb for the night, I spot one of my good friends, Jason, who I haven’t seen in months. Jason and I used to spend a lot of time together when Wiley and I were seeing one another and eventually lost touch when I got lost in the slutty Hollywood madness of my single life. It was definitely my fault. Excited to see each other after so long, we did a little AAAAHHHHH and ran up to hug one another. Jason HOISTED me into the air and I was certainly surprised at the tight, hard body pressed up against me in that moment. Was Jason always this ripped? Did he always have these big arms? Where did this chest come from? We held onto each other for awhile, as I repeatedly told myself NOT to throw my legs around him and straddle him right then and there. There had always been an almost undetectable sexual undertone to our friendship in the past, and at this point I must have definitely been putting out some detectable sexual tones, as I could NOT keep my hands off him! As I’m grabbing his arms and running my hands down his chest, I tell him how good he’s lookin and DAMN check out this body of yours has this always been here?!
As he told me stories of who he’s been dating and fucking (or not fucking?) since we last hung out, I’m now realizing that I need to fuck Jason. Yup. I have to have him. OK if I do this though, I need to get BEYOND fucked up. Yup. OK time to yet again break my promise to Jesus…I did it yesterday anyway though right? I grab Jester and inform him of my master plot and let Diva know that DIVA! I’m fucking Jason! Or gonna try to. I got approval from both. The rest of the night as we talk, I make a point to grab onto his belt and pull him close, explaining that “I didn’t hear what you just said *YANK on belt close to Jason’s groin and pull him closer while lowering and softening my voice* say it again….” When he leans up against the wall, table, bar, whatever, I make a point to stand facing him directly, my hands behind his waist, and with my crotch touching his. This should get my point across.
We somehow ended up at a diner after the lounge closed, and I immediately know this is a bad idea: when one is out and about and building sexual tension and fervor with another, it is best to always act on it in the moment and avoid all possible delays, detours, and opportunities to sober up, as one’s conscience and logical sense of reasoning always begins to creep back in during these moments.
I hit up Jason via text and demand to know where he’s sleeping for the night. He teasingly states that he knows I want him to sleep over tonight. I insist that he wants to sleep over tonight. He replies with that he wants to but knows better. I tell him to fuck knowing better and come fuck me. He laughs and says he lives in the moment. I tell him good I’ll see him in a moment not too soon.
As I’m sobering up, I’m realizing the increasing awkwardness of my decision. We leave the diner and Jason gives me a big hug and says,
Him: It was great seeing you I’ll call ya!
Me: (I KNEW IT I KNEW IT I KNEW IT!!!!) Ummmm wtf Jason you’re not coming over?
Him: How would I get home…?
Me: *DETESTING the fact that there’s a drive home on top of the stupid fucking meal and realizing that if we went out in Hollywood we would’ve already been back at my place rolling around in my tempurpedic while I screamed and moaned and my dog barked and whimpered* Jason I’ll drive your ass home GOD!
Him: Really? You will?
Me:No but who fucking cares we’ll figure it out *picturing myself too fucked up to drive all the way back to the West side and even further picturing myself falling asleep when I get home instead of tearing at and thrashing around with Jason’s Greek-godlike body*
Him: ….I’ll call ya.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I get in the car and Jester and Diva find this hysterical. “You have to blog about this!” they insist as they laugh and poke fun at my blatant, humiliating rejection for the night. Thanks guys by the way. On the drive home, I realize I can’t even hold my head up and would’ve probably been embarrassingly awful in bed anyway, ya know the kind where you’re so drunk you more so drool on each other than make out and flop around and bang into things in unintentionally unsexy ways and offer up pitiful grunts as opposed to moans because you’re barely conscious to begin with. Yeah Jason’s a good friend, he deserved a much better performance from me than that. I bet he knew this too. I love Jason he’s my buddy he’s my boy! I’ll take this as a direct sign from God that I should keep my friends and my vagina separate. Always.