Frankly, I don’t like confining my Friday night fucks to somebody I’d been done did.
I already slept with The Bartender…why in the hell would I go home with him again?
Especially since it was bad (again I can’t state why because I refuse to shame him publicly…he already knows why anyway).
Besides I’m more-so interested in getting Angel laid tonight instead.
Yeah so he got us into Bardot when there was no way in hell we were gonna make it into Avalon…
And OK he still looks fuckin FINE as ever.
Chicks before dicks, bro.
I scurry my way downstairs once The Bartender heads back behind his bar.
Pushing and shoving through other clubgoers, I’m sure to keep low as a means to lose myself religiously in the crowd.
My sister, Angel, and Cookies follow close behind me as they know damn well how I operate when it comes to Operation: Lose Former Fuck (which is pretty much the story of my life).
Unfortunately, it’s gonna be much harder to lose us in this crowd than I thought.
Surveying the scene around us, we find that everybody is individually entrenched in their own interpretive dance sequences much akin to something you’d see in an African tribal rain dance.
What the fuck…?
The four of us look at each other questioningly.
The crowd smells like incense and body odor regardless of the fact that the club has an open ceiling.
Nobody is dressed in slutty skimpy Hollywood attire like us, there isn’t a drink in ANYONE’S hand, and everyone’s eyes are rolled into the back of their heads.
I know DAMN WELL they’re not rolling, coked out, or drunk.
And that’s when it hit me…
Holy shit…EVERYBODY IN THIS CLUB IS ON ACID!!!
We apparently have stumbled onto an underground circus event (no seriously that’s what it was called) which involved a group of traveling acidic performers renting out venues to party their pants off…literally.
Nobody is wearing pants!
I look back at my three girls, I myself completely mortified after realizing what we’re now a part of.
My sister and Cookies look absolutely in love with the look of things, as the both of them pride themselves on having adopted a Western view of the world and quite often can be found preaching to others about topics dealing with yoga, meditation, new age holistic cures of worldly dilemmas, and how eating meat is BAD, BAD, BAD FREE THE ANIMALS AND SLAVES!!!!!!
Then…I look at Angel.
I, on the other hand, am far too entertained at such a spectacle considering I’d never seen such an eclectic collection of individuals tripping on acid at ONE TIME.
This is probably what Woodstock looked like.
Hell, actually it looks more like what The Manson Family must’ve looked like.
AND I CAN’T TAKE MY EYES AWAY!
I laugh uncontrollably to myself as I touch Angel by the hand, asking her, “Hey!! What do you think about staying here instead of going to Avalon?!” already fully aware of what her response is gonna be.
“NO fuck no HELL NO!!! LOOK AT ALL THESE FREEEEEEAKS! I REFUSE to stay here with all these weirdos FUCK THAT!!!!” she exclaims quite typically.
And this is exactly why I love her.
Whipping her blonde hair in an irritated frenzy, Angel storms off towards the door into Avalon, which is conveniently blocked by a big, brown-haired, muscular bouncer, who happens to be looking my way through the crowd of acidic dancers.
While I have no plans on bedding The Bartender again, I very well can picture myself straddling and riding HIM like Mustang Sally.
I said I’m not down to fuck the same guy, not I’m not down to fuck.
Cuz let’s face it, I always am.
I give the bouncer a little wave and blow him a kiss as he blushes and puts his head down.
Yeah, if Angel doesn’t want him I’m game.
I turn back around to find Cookies and my sister with their arms extended up into the air and swaying around like trees in the ocean.
Sadly, they are not on acid like everyone else and are dancing like this because they ACTUALLY want to and are not induced to do so on drugs.
And this is why I love THEM.
I look to my left and there’s a man in a loin cloth with a gigantic drum attached to his hip. To my right there’s a skinny little Asian DJ controlling the hypnotic dubstep emanating from the speakers.
And now KNOCKING INTO ME are two girls in bikinis, skirts, and ripped up nylons holding power saws.
Yes, you read correctly: They are holding POWER SAWS in the club.
Cookies and my sister notice the girls too, as the three of us now hold hands and cringe, convinced that we’re all somehow gonna get hacked up while the rest of these freaks laugh, cackle, and dance around our sacrificed remains.
I’m almost POSITIVE that’s what’s gonna happen!
The SAW ladies then step up onto two platforms on both sides of the DJ booth.
Then, they put on construction worker glasses as they each continue to dance and sway to the music with power saws in hand.
What is going on?!
As if answering our anxieties, the girls then turn on the power saws while they dance, a loud zinging sound erupting from the platforms as the crowd watches in anticipation for what’s to come.
In this moment, the girls then press their saws against metal blocks attached to their outfits, the zinging intensifying louder as showers of yellow sparks shoot from their hips and into the crowd.
OUCH FUCKING OUCHIES!!!!!!! THE SPARKS!!!!! THEY BURN!!!!! AAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!
The three of us scream out in a petrified fury, as we go running deeper into the crowd away from shards of pain and fire.
Somehow, the other dancers are drawn CLOSER as they are all now lasciviously licking and lapping up the sparks while they dance.
Jesus…maybe I shoulda been on acid tonight…
I’m convinced we’re safe from the fire when I feel a hand grabbing my hip from behind me.
Fuck who now?!?!?!?!
Turning around, I’m faced with The Bartender, who’s now pressed up against me, as the crowd is too tight for space between us.
Fuck man…how’d he find me?!
Oh that’s right, because I don’t look like I’ve just escaped from The Island of Doctor Moreau.
“Come with me,” he demands, all 6’2 of him dragging me through the crowd without giving me a chance to respond, as I look back at my sister and Cookies who are too busy dancing with their eyes closed to watch me disappear.
Even though I’m adamantly against hanging out with The Bartender, I must say I’m relieved to be rescued in this moment.
Now being led BACK upstairs to the bar, I see that there’s four shots lined up in a row as The Bartender smirks and opens up his palms in a “Viola!” gesture.
Me: What’s this? *pointing to the shots*
The Bartender: *crossing his arms and leaning on them close to me, his face about three inches from mine* They’re for you and your friends, gorgeous*now smiling and staring dead at me*
Me: Ha! That’s sweet…but I’m rolling right now (eh, not really) and my friends are more concerned with getting into Avalon (stop being such a bitch, Jay!)
The Bartender: *frowning at my refusal for his second sweet gesture for the night* Oh…well I can get you guys in later if you want.
Me: *eyeing him suspiciously* Really…? You’d do that?
The Bartender: *still smiling at me and laughing as if I just asked a ridiculous question* Yeah of course I would…*now winking at me and grabbing my chin* Hey here comes your sister *now pointing behind me completely unaware of how badly I’m blushing*
I look behind me and sure enough my sister is inching her way through the crowd with a gigantic smile on her face like she just farted and ran away.
Now cupping her chin with V-shape hand gesture, she giggles and tip-toes towards us, exclaiming, “HEY HEY HEY YOU TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
The Bartender looks genuinely happy to see her, “Hey come here and take these shots!”
“Wowow wee wow REALLY?!?!” my sister claps and jumps as she excitedly states to me loud enough for him to hear, “I love him!! He’s so wonderful and great and SEXXXY!!!!”
She’s definitely drunk already.
The Bartender blushes and gives my sister her shot, now downing one with her.
Their interaction softens me a bit.
Anybody who could win over my sister can almost instantly win over my vagina.
“Your sister is the nicest girl I’ve interacted with all night” he now says to me.
A bit defensive, I reply with “Hey! What about me…??!!” as I pout and cross my arms.
The Bartender scoffs and lowers his mouth to my ear, as he whispers loudly, “Oh you can definitely be nice to me later if you want….” then following with a wink.
UGH! What a dick!
I blush, smirk, and giggle.
I can’t believe I fall for this shit, man.
I’m blaming it on the Molly…the Molly that isn’t working.
The two of us are now locked in a salacious stare-down, as my sister unsurprisingly breaks the sexually charged silence with, “HEY!! HELLO?! I’M STILL HERE YOU ASSHOLES!!!!”
This girl is the ultimate cock-block.
The three of us now down the shots of Patron together as I spot Angel and Cookies making their way up the stairs.
Oh THANK GOD.
The Bartender then motions them to come over, pointing to the shots he poured for them.
The two of them look surprised and satisfied as they take their without a word.
Angel then pulls me close and says to me, “OK the bouncer at the door to Avalon? Yeah I offered to pay him money and he still won’t budge. You gotta talk to him…he’s totally into you…TALK HIM INTO GETTING US IN NOW!!!!!!!!!”
Aaaaahhh! Angel’s scaring me….
I pull away to try to catch her face and see if she’s joking.
Yeah, she’s totally not.
Before I have a chance to say, “MY PUSSY HAS A SAY IN THIS!” I’m being yanked back DOWN the stairs to go schmooze our way into the adjacent club via the sexy, beefy bouncer at the door.
I look back at The Bartender and he has his hands in the air and a frown on his face, his eyes still locked on mine with a “What the fuck?!” look of confusion plastered on his sexy scruffy face.
God he still looks as good as the day I met him…
I’m sorry Bartender…!
I apparently have to go fuck your co-worker now.